Grief

We have all experienced bad things in life. Perhaps they were a result of our own bad choices, perhaps we were just indirectly affected by someone else's bad choice. Regardless, there isn't a person who has walked this Earth without experiencing pain, hurt and even death. 

I ran across something the other day that said this:

"Accepting, allowing and embracing the grieving process is not only healthy, it is part of life and living efficiently. Grief must come to its own ending. We can't force it into our schedule."

I have run into a few people who act like the world is perfect. I know their intention is good and to inspire hope within another person. But sometimes it comes across insensitive. I've learned, though, that I can sometimes be that person. If someone comes to me with problems, concerns, pain, I immediately become the "fix it" person with a positive attitude and assurance of hope. 

But I am reminding myself of the times when I'm in the other shoes... when I'm grieving...when I'm in pain. While I know the hope that is there for me. My Savior has promised me life - a life (beyond the pain of this world) of fulfillment and peace. I know in the midst of my grief that when it is time for me to be with my Heavenly Father, all will be restored. Sometimes, though, it is difficult to get through situations in life. 

I was thinking about my friend who recently miscarried her second child. She was past the first trimester and all seemed fine until she went in for a routine ultrasound when she learned her baby had passed. Sometimes we just can't force ourselves to be done with the grieving process. It's not healthy and efficient for us.  I think if we are to force it, it just resurfaces and enables a roller coaster of good and bad moments. When we let the grieving process happen, we will still experience good and bad days, but we allow the healing and restoration that God gives us in HIS time. 

So I've felt challenged recently to be more aware that grieving happens in different ways for different people. While our intentions are probably good to help a sister or brother see the light, sometimes God gives us the opportunity to just 'be there' for them. Sometimes we're brought together to allow God work in His wonderful ways intertwining two people who would not otherwise connect. Keeping in mind that we shouldn't try to rush the grieving process. Sometimes we should just listen and care and love and be that shoulder to cry on. 

A month makes for a long post

I received a friendly reminder from a friend who said I hadn’t blogged in a while. Boy, she’s right. My last blog was on November 3^rd…it’s December 9^th! Oops! I absolutely love blogging. Mentally, spiritually and emotionally, it is a great thing for me. The problem is finding time. Lame excuse, I know. But true nonetheless.

So let’s do a quick update:

1.       Christmas

It is right around the corner!

Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the fellowship, attitudes, joy and quality time that happens around Christmas. There is really nothing about Christmas, winter, snow, cold, cookies, friends, family, presents, Jesus’ birth, music …that I don’t like.  I’m taking off work, well roughly 6 days in between Christmas and New Years.  I am looking forward to time off, though it seems our schedule is already filling up (which isn’t surprising knowing us.)  I hope to have some quality time with Adam where we can play in the yard/snow with the dogs, sip hot cocoa in front of the fireplace and relax… ahhh.

2.       Lymphangioma

       Lymphangioma is a condition/issue I have and had really since I was created. Basically, when I was developing prior to birth, my lymphatic vessels didn’t fully develop resulting in the lymphatic fluid to not secrete properly. (Side note: Secrete is a nasty sounding word but it’s the only thing I can think of. Sorry.) Therefore, what’s happening is the lymphatic fluid collects in little sacs. Typically, Lymphangioma is present in children, young children (around age 2) and is found in the neck. Of course, I am not ‘typical’ when it comes to health so here I am at 28 dealing with this.  Actually, three years ago, I had surgery on my right shoulder to remove the Lymphangioma. My doctor believes he must not have removed it all as it has reappeared and that is common when not all of it is removed.  My hope is that my Dr. will be a bit more diligent as I am having surgery in mid-January for the removal of this occurrence. It happens to be on the same shoulder but in a little different area.  I handled the surgery and recovery very well last time and expect nothing less this time. J

3.       Smoking

I have to share about this. A very important person in my life quit smoking recently. This has been one of the major highlights of my month.  I am not a smoking ‘hater’ if you will. I do believe it is an individual’s choice to smoke or not. But to those I care deeply about, I wish they wouldn’t. Certainly there are many things that are or could be deadly in this life…cigarettes, cars, aspartame, cell phones, …the list goes on. But there is something about this choice to smoke that with this particular individual…I just prayed and prayed they would be able to break the habit. Praise the Lord it happened. And I’m SO PROUD of them!

4.       Piloxing

You might be thinking, “What?” Piloxing is a combination of Pilates, Kickboxing and dance.  I’ve been doing it once a week for three full months now, along with Kickboxing on two nights.  Working out has been a big priority for me the last few months. I have to say, I used to think about being thinner or in better shape. I used to want all of those things but that’s all it would be. I wouldn’t work out, eat healthier or make any change resulting in something I actually desired: a healthier me. But I’ve finally made it a priority. I have to thank the Muncie Y for their “Operation Fit” class which really kick started it for me. I completed 3-4 weeks of ease myself into the idea of working out on a consistent basis. (The class was two nights a week.) When the class was finished, I did a kickboxing class because it fit into my schedule. I LOVED it. Then the bank was offering a free trial experience of Piloxing. It was HARD! But I really enjoyed that too.  Before you know it, I made a commitment to workout Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  I even have added in Yoga on Thursday nights for 45 minutes if I’m available.

I am so proud. Words can’t describe. I have wanted to be healthier but I was depressed about how I looked. I couldn’t seem to just get out of that on my own. Instead, I would just be internally jealous of others who were losing weight or upset at what I looked like in the mirror.  I think the turning point for me was when I noticed my pants fitting differently.  From that moment on, I’ve been a steamroller…and committed. I’m proud of the changes I’ve made thus far. I’ve been eating healthier lunches and making decisions to indulge or not. “Not”never used to be an option.

I should say that it has helped that I have motivation. We’re going on a cruise in June. When I told Adam I was finally ready to make a commitment to be healthier, I said, “I want to be able to go on this trip and be proud of what I look like. I don’t want anything to interrupt a good time with my friends. I don’t want to constantly be thinking about how unattractive or unhealthy I am…or compare myself to anyone else on that ship” I whole-heartedly believe it when people say that you have a better attitude about yourself when you’re working out.  Sure, if I was thinner or a little ‘firmer’ in areas, I’d be a bit more confident in my two piece (who wouldn’t), but I could go today and be happy with my body and where I’ve gotten it to this point. For that, I am happy and thankful.

So, with all that said, I’ve come to the conclusion (not earth shattering) that life is about balance. Everything needs to be in balance: work/play, fruit/junk, joys/struggles…when we achieve balance, there is some accomplishment. There is some assurance that life is never perfect. There will always be challenges and obstacles to face.  But every effort we make to make it better, whether it be through giving back, exercising, eating better, serving, just doing what needs done…it’s all worth it. Being able to reflect back, I can attest to that. 

I’ll leave you with this quote from my calendar of “Women Who Do Too Much”:

“There is something innately beautiful in a woman who knows who she is, where she came from, and accepts it all.” 

I feel guilty...

So, those who know me know that I'm fairly social. Ok, not fairly. I'm a people person to my core. I love time with coworkers, friends, family, my husband, even my dogs. I rarely take time to be alone.

A big reason I don't take time to be alone is because I don't like it. I don't find it rejuvenating. I don't find it peaceful. I don't find it encouraging or inspiring. But probably the biggest reason I don't take time to be alone that often is because I value relationships. I feel that my time is somewhat limited and so any available time needs to be spent between my three families (my parents, Adam's mom & stepdad and Adam's dad and his girlfriend), my friends, my church family, etc. Oftentimes I feel guilty about taking time just for me because I don't find it as beneficial as if I experiencing life with someone else.

My coworker/friend gave me a calendar last Christmas that was daily sayings for "Women Who Do Too Much".  Well, that's me alright. And the saying on October 14th is one (out of about 70) that I've kept in hopes of entering them into an electronic document. There are a lot of good reminders that have hit home for me. October 14th says,
"Maybe we are not going away from 'them.' Maybe we are 'going to' ourselves. Everyone benefits and there is less guilt all around when we take time out to 'go to' ourselves."

That's interesting. Go to myself. I found when pondering this saying that while I'm around me all day long, I am not taking time to ask myself important questions:
How am I doing with God, life, relationships, work?
How have I been doing with being who I know I'm called to be?
What am I doing to be a better spouse, friend, coworker?
How am I doing with the pains in my life?

I think some of these I answer through the week. I am very pensive and thoughtful on Sundays after a message at church or after reading something that's touched me (be it a quote, a passage out of my bible, an old journal entry, etc). I always seek to implement something new to help me extend more of God's love and grace to someone else. While I think this is good and important...I am strategically and somewhat unintentionally avoiding the hard things that I'm dealing with. I'm not allowing myself to truly identify my feelings, recognize those are feelings, learn or remind myself of how God sees me and the promises He has for me.

I took some time to do this today during my lunch. It was slightly uncomfortable. I'll admit. But I was able to think through, process and deal with some emotions, past hurts, and insecurities. I know I'll never prefer alone time to social time, but I do see the value in taking time to 'go to' myself. Maybe I'll make it more of a habit...

Words can hurt

It's always interesting how lessons come about. I have been trying to be so careful with my words, being cautious that the words I'm using are words I really mean.

I was reminded yesterday of the importance of that. Then this morning, I read an email from QBQ (Question Behind the Question) explaining the same thing. Part of it says,


Being a verbal guy, (I can relate!) one who likes to express just about every thought I've ever had in the form of declaratory statements, candid observations, and unsolicited counsel, I have to be very careful in this area. In fact, my mouth often runs ahead of my brain. Knowing my propensity to fall into this trap, I sometimes ask this fairly odd QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: “What can I do right now to keep my big mouth shut?!”



Remember, each of us is personally accountable for every word that comes out of our mouth—it’s just as simple as that. No excuses! So, whether a friend, a parent, or a boss, let’s commit to controlling our tongue by asking QBQs like these:
“What can I do today to think before I speak?”
“How can I find the good?”
“What can I do to lift others up?”
“How can I better understand the impact my words have on others?”


So just as this is a reminder for me, I hope it is for you as well. You may be one who is good at 'biting your tongue', but I guarantee you still say things that hurt someone...

I am committed to continuing to grow in this area. I'm thankful for people who remind us and encourage us to be better people.

A month later...

It's been a month (and a few days) since my last post.

Life has been really busy lately. Lets mention the latest happenings:
1. The Bridge Youth Group has started back up.  I don't have much responsibility with this, except keep the house clean and get snacks when youth is at our house. I think I still carry the weight of it a little bit, though. I worry about it: how many people will be there. What will be discussed? How are the kids getting along? Are they learning? ....my mind keeps going.

I've clearly not learned to give these things completely over to God. I'm continually working towards it though.  By blogging it is helping me to see that I'm holding onto it even though I want to let it go. So decision made - I'm letting it go. For Real!

Side Note: I'm super proud of Adam and his ability to connect with youth. I don't have the patience...but it is purely a joy to see him connect with them.

2. House Projects - We've been spending any free evenings or weekend days to work on some house projects. The biggest project has been our yard this year. We had the landscape in the front removed...we're working a bit on the back yard. This past week, we planted grass seed to shrink our flower beds in the front. They were HUGE and way too much for us to manage.  Fortunately it has been raining this week so the "keep the ground wet" thing is working great for us.  Unfortunately, it is raining A LOT and there is some retaining water in the area where we planted seed.  Hopefully we'll start to see sprouts in some areas and figure out where we need to reseed.

This has been a huge project for us. We're doing a lot of the work on our own, trying to save money.  It's been some hard labor, though. Once again, I'm grateful Adam is so willing to help...well really, take control of this project. It's fun to be doing it together. I'm sure at the end of all this, we'll look back and be so thankful for the experience and what we accomplished.

3. Fall break is this week.  Adam's Fall Break is Friday and Monday. I'm excited because I took those two days off work too. We're going to work on an indoor project Friday and hopefully have a completely lazy day Monday with our two pooches. I'm looking forward to a little time off and away from work. Work has been pretty busy for me and a mental break is needed.

So I guess that's the short and sweet of what's been going on.

I need to update on our fertility journey, our 2012 trips and also a conversation I had with my cousin, Lindsay. Mental note for next time. :)

28 things 21-28

This is the last portion of my 28 things of which I'm grateful as I turn 28 today.

21. Vacations - Vacations are exactly what the doctor orders sometimes. I had a 10 day vacation last year and I think it really has carried over to this year. I've often looked back at that vacation with gratitude and joy considering the way I was able to release any amount of stress in my life and just relax. I wish I could go on vacations all the time, but working hard allows for us to go on vacation once in a while. How much sweeter is the vacation when it's something that is so rare and unique!

22. A child's laugh - There are few things that send joy directly to my heart like a child's laugh. Pure joy. Period.

23. Facebook - Facebook has created opportunities to connect with people like never before. I honestly feel like a better friend because of Facebook.  Call it lame if you want. I think I am able to be aware of the good and bad things going on in friends lives when sometimes time doesn't allow a phone call. (Side note: Facebook is really good when it's your birthday! I had over 200 people wishing me a happy birthday on Facebook! Seriously... that makes a girl feel loved!)

24. Strength - Strength is something that while I'm still struggling to find it in certain areas, I'm blessed to have found it in a few small areas. I will take joy in that!

25. Infertility - While I wish this weren't a word in my vocabulary, I will say it has been a blessing. It has created conversation drawing Adam and I closer than ever. It's created opportunities to bond in new ways with friends going through the same thing. It's created a greater dependency on God...which lets be honest, is always needed.  I will choose to praise Him through this storm.

26. Good News - Have you ever received good news? When that happens, it doesn't matter how bad your day has been...the good news really makes the day nearly 100% better. What a blessing to receive good news.

27. Holidays - The holidays are my favorite times of the year. There are a lot of different holidays throughout the year, but I am most looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am thankful for the reminders that the holidays stand for, but also for the community that takes place during that time.  While everyone is depressed that winter is right around the corner...I'm joyful for the holidays. :)

28. Looking forward to ... - Have you ever been so excited for something? Maybe a vacation, a life event... Well, that is something of which I'm thankful. I am thankful for the built up excitement, the anticipation and sometimes nervousness of the unknown. There are many things I am looking forward to. I anxiously await what the future holds.

Happy 28 years!

28 things 11-20

I've decided to write about 28 blessings since I'm turning 28 tomorrow.  Here are numbers 11-20.

11. Home - What a blessing to have a roof over my head! Oftentimes I look around my house and think, "Oh I wish I could change the cabinets or the flooring or the window treatments...."  But when it comes down to it, I have a roof over my head. I have plenty of room to live with my husband and two pooches.

12. Pictures - I often look back at pictures of me as child, or in high school and college or on my wedding day. Pictures are so valuable to help remind us of special moments. They also help us see ourselves in a different way than we may remember. I'm not the best photographer or scrapbooker, but I love that I can look back in time and refresh my memory with events, people or moments in time.

13. Water - I love the water. I love swimming. I love boating. I love tubing. I love all things water. Although I don't live on or near large bodies of water, I am fortunate to have experiences that make me thankful for them. I remember when I went to Hawaii. The water was so clear and beautiful. I remember swimming at Guion pool in Indianapolis in the summers.  The water was so frigid and cold. I hated every minute of it then, but look back and see how dedication made me a better person. I remember just a couple of weeks ago being in Michigan City for a wedding and swimming across a lake with two friends. The joy of that swim and experience in the water is indescribable. Water hits a spot with me. Love it and so thankful to get to experience it often.

14. Sunsets - Living in the country, we are very fortunate to see sunsets in an incredible way. I often find myself walking outside sometimes in the extreme heat or cold to be able to experience the sunset. God can truly paint a beautiful picture.  There is something so calming about the sunsets...with purples, pinks, yellows and oranges... I absolutely love it. I think God knows that all it takes after a stressful day is an incredible sunset to quite my busy heart and make me grateful for the air in my lungs.

15. Pastors/Church Family - I am incredibly grateful for teachers in my life. There are teachers all around us...all of the time.  My favorite teachers are the ones in my church family. There are multiple ones ranging from our lead teacher/pastor at church to many members of the church family. They see things from many different perspectives and provide insight in ways I normally wouldn't detect on my own. Learning is something I like in moderation and I love that on the weekend, when my mind is clear and open to rest, I still receive challenges and opportunities to grow. What a blessing.

16. Zoos - I. love. zoos. Seriously. If I could travel to every zoo in the country, I would be a happy camper. I don't know what it is. I love seeing all sorts of animals. And it doesn't matter how many times I've seen it, they still amaze me.  Creation is beautiful. Life is beautiful. Animals have a way of surprising me. Zoos bring me so much joy. I'm thankful there are these 'entertainment' avenues nearby.

17. Kind Strangers - Do you ever see a kind stranger? If you do, do you let their action affect you? I find fewer things make me happier than when I see a kind stranger. It doesn't even have to be kindness directed towards me. It's simply kindness. It's like the Liberty Mutual Commercials. There is something that warms me from the inside out when I see kind strangers. I am so thankful that I'm present enough to catch that glimpse of love from one person to another...and not just anyone...a  complete stranger.

18. The choice of forgiveness - Have you ever taken the high road? Sucked up your pride? Forgiven someone? There is something spiritually fulfilling when you do the right thing. More powerful is when you choose to forgive. We have been called to love others like Christ loved the church. In that love is forgiveness. We have been forgiven. We need to extend that forgiveness to others.  There have been times when someone owed me an apology. The easy road is to hold a grudge. The hard road is to forgive. I'm thankful that I've had opportunities and wisdom to forgive. I cannot explain the way it made me feel. You should try it.

19. Quotes - I'll often run across quotes that are the subtle reminders of how we should act or how we're loved. Quotes seem to 'magically' appear at the absolutely right times. I believe I'm a better person because of the quotes I stumble upon from time to time.

20. Starbucks - Since tomorrow is my birthday, I thought I'd end this post with one of my favorite indulgences that I can experience because I'm fortunate to be able to afford Starbucks from time to time.  Tomorrow's is on the house since I got my "free Starbucks birthday card" in the mail, but a "good cup o' joe" (as Adam likes to call it) makes the day feel right. A Pumpkin Spice Latte says Fall is here! Starbucks has a way of making my day better.  That may be sad, but it's true. I'm not hiding it, nor am I ashamed.

28 things 1-10

I am embarking on another birthday. I must say, I look forward to my birthdays much more than I thought I would at this age. I think it's different now. It's not about the presents or the attention on me. It's all about people intentionally wanting to be with me or to connect. I love that. I love intentional relationships. As I get older, I think I value that more and more too.

So, I decided since I'm turning 28, I would make a list of 28 blessings (In no particular order)
We'll start out with 1-10 today.

1. Adam - This is so obvious, I know. But I cannot ever fail to mention him when I think about the blessings in my life. It's so incredible how God creates someone who compliments you in the exact ways you need it. I could not ask for a better husband, friend, supporter, partner, leader, giver, protector than him. 

2. My Redeemer - Again...so obvious. I have been completely humbled this last year. I have found forgiveness, freedom and peace in areas of guilt and restlessness. Daily, I am reminded of how much I am loved and how there is no one as gracious and patient with me as God. 

3. Family - (This includes my parents, in-laws, siblings and sibling in-laws.). Do you ever just look around at the people in your life and realize how much support you have and how people unconditionally love you despite your many flaws? I have recognized how incredibly blessed I am to have family and be married to family with such beautiful hearts. I know not everyone has such great relationships with their inlaws/extended family. I am so thankful for the ones in my life.

4. Hope - I have learned what hope is all about over the last year. I have learned hope through quality time with God. I have learned hope through my friends who have encouraged and spoken truth in my life. Hope is never ending and is always peeking around the corner...especially when you least expect it.

5. Emotions - Sometimes I think I am way too emotional. I saw "The Help" yesterday and felt like I was the only one in the theater crying. But I am thankful I can feel so deeply. I am thankful I have the ability to let things affect me. With that, I am changed, challenged and encouraged all at the same time. Emotions help me see my passions and help me to connect with others. I'm very thankful for that. 

6. Courage - I changed jobs this year for the first time in almost 6 years. I tend to like change, but this took a lot of courage. It was a leap of faith really. I believe I'm a healthier person because I took this leap. And I believe I am impacting others in new ways...ways I never thought I could.

7. Food - Some have heard me say, "The best meals are with food." I have no doubt that I love food. I love new food, good food, dessert food, raw food... FOOD period. But more than anything, I am thankful for each and every meal. I am thankful for the conversations that surround food. I'm thankful for the atmosphere food creates. It's incredible what can happen when food is present. 

8. Seasons - We are embarking on Fall and I cannot be more excited! I am thankful to experience all four seasons, here in Indiana. Fall is by far my favorite, but there is purpose in each season. 

9. Hamm & Beans - You may think I'm silly for being so thankful for my dogs, but they do something for me I can't explain. I suppose this is a glimpse of parenthood, but these rotten lil' thangs bring me so much joy. They provide comfort and snuggles as the most appropriate times and make me smile and feel loved so often. 

10. Now - Now, the present, right here... I am thankful to know what it means to be present and in the moment. I am thankful to have learned how to step back in a situation and be aware of all the great things surrounding me.  When I was watching Oprah's Behind the Scenes, I noticed Oprah's ability to do that in her last few shows. All she wanted was to be present and not miss anything.  I have the ability to be present. It's comes down to if I'm willing to do it. Sometimes it's easier not to. But I'm thankful for the encouragement of others to be in the moment...as much as possible.

Come to me

Love & Respect

Do you ever feel like you've been building, growing and making steps toward who you want to be and then life just slaps you with circumstances that cause you to stumble, doubt and debate whether you can push through?

I've felt like that over the last 6 months or so. I felt like I'd take a step in the right direction then get knocked back two steps...constantly pushing, striving and seeking after who I want to be.  I'm so thankful my eyes have been opened to see areas of my life where I can improve.  I can't take credit, though. God has created some awesome opportunities for learning.

Adam and I are part of a marriage group at church who is reading and discussing together the book Love & Respect.  I'm telling you...this book can truly change your marriage. I've read it once and am now going through it again.  I forgot some of the most important lessons about our needs as women and men. I admit, I know quite a few unhappily married couples. It's depressing. I desperately don't want to be unhappily married for any length of time.  Thankfully, Adam is the same way. I think that's why I continually evaluate where I'm at and how I'm doing at the goals I set for myself in respect to being a better wife. Adam does the same. Fortunately we both are seeking after the same things: peace, joy, happiness and most importantly, one more small way we can glorify God. In order to accomplish those items, we recognize the need for individual growth.  I pray diligently that we don't lose that drive.

In taking a new job in February, I've been riding the learning curve. It's been hard at times...particularly because I hold myself to such a high standard. I'm a perfectionist...anything less than perfect is failure.  I'm trying to reteach my mind, but that is certainly difficult when you're wired a certain way.

I think I'll blog next time about my "High B" personality...which is identified through Predictive Index (PI).  It's a tool we use for work, but if you read this blog and read about High B's...you'll completely understand me.  I'll try to remember that for the next time.

Now, I'm going to eat my lunch.  I have limited personal time this evening. When that happens, if I don't process my feelings...I start to disengage. So it was important for me to process some feelings during my lunch hour...onto food. Yum!

Perception is Reality

I had a friend share her concern for me that while in this struggle of infertility, she prayed I would just enjoy where I'm at.  That I'd enjoy the special time I get with my husband. That I'd enjoy the quietness of no kids. That I'd enjoy all the blessings God's given me.

I'd like to think that I'm there in some regards. But her perception is reality...and maybe I'm not.

I often compare this struggle to a roller coaster as there are times of great gratitude and joy. But just as quickly the valleys of sorrow arrive. I'd compare my peace, joy and contentment as one ball being juggled right next to the ball of grief, pain, and insecurity. It's a constant juggling act. While I would love to replace the ball of negative feelings, I recognize there is a reason why it's here. I often think of the song "Blessed be Your Name" and the line that says, "Though there's pain in the offering...Blessed be Your Name."

I consider this time of waiting and infertility, etc as a sacrifice to Him. It's a struggle, just like every other sacrifice we offer. I have chosen, rather than to sit in my sorrow, to focus on Him. I've chosen to use this time to pour into people I truly care about. I've chosen to do my best in supporting multiple friends who are also struggling with infertility. I've chosen to focus on growing as an individual and as a wife. The stronger our marriage is, the more prepared we are to face trials should we be blessed with a child. I am sacrificing my personal time to be present in the lives of those I'm around.

So...maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not fully content. I take those words of encouragement and great intention to remind me to be present and to keep pouring into those I love. With all of that said, I am OK with wrestling with this still.  I still believe in Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I know He is the source of all things good. I have experienced him working is such incredible ways and nearly impossible situations (and very recently, I might add.) He is my first desire. He always will be. While in my humanness though, I ache for something more...

Bob Barker

What a weird title for a blog post, right? Well, you'll understand later why I chose that for the title.

We had at appointment at Midwest last week.  I had a test that was to be taken on day 3 of your cycle to check the anatomy of your 'innerds' if you will. The whole experience was weird. When we were taken to our room, the nurse asked I take off my clothes from the waist down. Here's the deal, though. I was on day 3 of my cycle...and I wasn't able to wear any kind of menstruating materials...that was weird. I know this is normal for them, but let's be honest... when you're menstruating, the last thing you want is for anyone to be near you...especially 'down there'.

Thankfully, Adam was there and was super supportive...as usual. Finally the woman conducting the ultrasound comes in. She was extremely friendly. She sits down and puts a condom over this, what I would call a Bob Barker microphone... and tells me to lie down and relax.

Ok, first of all, in the consultation, I did not ask any questions about the ultrasound.  We've all seen plenty of movies and tv shows of pregnant people getting ultrasounds. I guess from that I assumed the ultrasound would be the same as every other ultrasound I've seen and known...outside of the body.  Well, I was wrong.  So, Bob Barker microphone conducted the ultrasound inside my body and that was taken care of. Friends, I am telling you this was weird.

It's funny, I feel like I'm not a super private person, but all of this testing is really forcing me to be outside of my comfort zone. Ok, lets be honest...there is nothing comfortable about what I've had done up to this point.

Today, we traveled back to Carmel. It is now Day 8 of my cycle and I was scheduled for another test.  Before the test, I received the results of my ultrasound . My ovaries look young and have plenty of eggs. All seems to be normal on that front. So I was directed from that test to have a HSG, which is a dye test.  This test checks the uterus shape and ensures there isn't blockage in the Fallopian tubes.

I'll spare you the lovely details. Feel free to ask if you really want to know.  But with a short period of some intense pain, the test was completed. Good news here too. No blockage in the tubes and the uterus is shaped 'nicely' according to the Dr. She said it's able to handle at least one or two babies at a time. :) (By the way...wouldn't twins be fun?)

Anyways, I praise God for this day. While it did come with more pain that was expected, it also came with reassurance that I'm 'normal'. Things are working properly in my body. I have to praise Him for giving me all of the organs, functioning normal and shaped normal, enabling my body to someday handle a pregnancy.  There is a part of me that wonders if I'm allowed the pain of today to prepare my body for pregnancy / delivery. That's a hopeful heart, of course.

I have to mention, too, that I have the best support system. I had a phone call from a supportive friend this afternoon checking up on me. It's such a blessing and answered prayer to have support and empathy from people. She's so caring, understanding and encouraging. She prays expecting God to create a miracle. I love knowing that I'm experiencing Heaven and glimpses of God when I experience community like this. It makes me pray for those women/couples who are trying to do this alone...who do not have a support system.  I pray God provides them the comfort they need in the moments they need them just like God has done for me through my friends.

Well, it's time to get going home so I can spend some quality time with my husband. Have I told you he's absolutely wonderful? If not...well let me tell you... he is incredible. I'm so fortunate to be loved by him!

God's subtle reminders

I've noticed lately how my reading of other blogs and opportunity to expand my own thoughts by blogging have really allowed me to see God's subtle reminders...

A coworker of mine, Lori, and her husband Landon have been in Africa for about 40 days. They have about 20 days left of mission work there.  These two are truly servants of the Lord. They sold furnishings in their house to help them go on this trip. Additionally, they (primarily Lori) took off 2 months of work (and thankfully our employer allowed her to do this.) Landon will be working in the Jay County School Corp this fall. He'll be teaching gym and helping with the at risk kids. One day a week, he'll be at Westlawn where Adam teaches.  I am looking forward to the two of them getting to know one another a little better.

Anyway, they have a blog documenting their time in all of the unique places they've been traveling. Their most recent blog post has a paragraph that captured my heart. It says,

"So we are now in Banfora for the last leg of our journey.  It has been so exciting to see God moving here in Burkina.  At a short stop for a meal at a hotel, Landon was reading his Bible when one of the employees came up to him.  Emmanuel, the worker, asked Landon if he could have his Bible...he had wanted one in English but they are hard to come by here in Burkina.  Landon eagerly handed it over, and Emmanuel said, "When you give someone the gift of the Word of God, you give them everything." That pretty much sums it all up."


Wow. Something as small as an English Bible is the gift that gave a person everything. And one who put all of his hope, his security, his love, his passion...in this book. It reminded me how fortunate I am to have this book  in my grip whenever I want. It's on my phone, we have nearly 5 bibles at home...And yet how much am I relying on this book? I'd like to think I rely on it quite a bit, but in comparison of Emmanuel, I'd say not nearly enough.

I pray I continue to be open to these subtle reminders God has in store for me. Let me be not too busy that I overlook these learning opportunities.

If you care to read the blog from my coworker, here is the link:
http://martinsinburkinafaso.blogspot.com/

I promise you'll be moved.

The Fertility Doctor

After three years of trying to conceive and two years of periodic tests, we've finally been referred to a fertility doctor.  We've been referred to Midwest Fertility Specialists in Carmel. We had our first consultation yesterday evening. 

I have to admit, I was nervous all day. I tried to pray, breathe, think about other things, but I had this incredible sense of concern that the news we'd hear is our next step was a $16,000 procedure. Praise the Lord it was not. 

Thus far in our testing process, we have not had any glaring answers as to why we are not conceiving. I was shocked because after some initial talks, we were told normal people who try to conceive have about an 18% chance of getting pregnant during their cycle. Because we've been trying for so long, our percentage of possibility shrunk all the way to 1%. Incredible right? We've been trying thinking every month is an opportunity...which it is, I believe God can do incredible miracles. But 1%? That's incredibly low. So I'm glad we're headed down this path of getting some help.

Without going into all of the details...(maybe in another post or as they happen) I'll give you the quick recap. So there are a few tests we still need to do. They are all tests on me at this point so over the next 3-4 weeks, we'll get those done. Assuming we have normal results, we'll start some fertility drugs to start 'helping' the process of ovulation and timing to be a well-oiled machine, if you will.

I must say, I really never even imagined I'd be at this place. Everything went so well with the consultation. I mean, I felt there were 'next steps' and some lower cost options for us to try considering at this point we have "unexplained infertility." But everything feels so scientific. It's hard to trust God's plan when the conversations are so scientific. I am gaining some hope and peace, through this process though. Praise God for his comfort there. I am so thankful to have a few select people who are willing to walk through every step of this with me. I have one friend in particular who is dealing with infertility as well. My heart breaks for her as we talk and as I read emails of her processing through these steps. I know God is big enough by how He gently places the right people in our lives at the exact time, with the exact amount of empathy and love that is needed. He's truly provided for me as far as having avenues to communicate to others and be an ear for others through this journey.

So with that said, we're starting this new path on this journey of help with a fertility doctor. I'm looking forward to this process. I pray as always, God provides what we need, when we need it so we can become loving parents to a hopefully God-honoring child. 

Side note: We just finished up a series at church titled "Elijah". Through this, my eyes were opened to how I pray and how oftentimes our prayers are selfish: "provide for me, give me this, help me that..."  But its the extension of that prayer we forget. "Provide for me so I can .....to honor You, Give me this so I can give You the glory, Help me so I can help others see of Your love".

I have made a conscious effort to be aware of this when I pray and if I don't have a way of honoring or glorifying Him, or being His hands and feet and loving others...then I talk to God about why I'm praying for whatever it is. That way I can keep myself in check and make sure that my daily goal is to further the Kingdom and honor Him...rather that what I want in all of this.

Just an ending to this blog will be partial lyrics from Laura Story's "Blessings" - which is the prayer of my heart to fully understand and trust.

"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?"

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."
Ephesians 3:20-21 The Message


I am learning to trust this promise. Quite a lot has been revealed to me lately and I'm beginning to process it.


Another post will come soon, but for now, I am just thankful that He works within us, meeting us where we are broken, filling us with His strength and transforming us from our inner most core to become new.

Candy

Do you remember Mandy Moore's "Candy"?  I listened to it this morning on Grooveshark.

I love moments when you reminisce and then make you laugh once you realize how silly a song really is.(I'll admit though, I'm keeping it on my playlist...along with "Crazy" by Britney Spears and "Penny and Me" by Hanson)  It's the simple things.

Three things I'm thankful for this morning:

1. Starbucks Skinny Frappuccinos - Lower calories = Less guilt

2. A note of surprise. I usually leave my hubby a list of things he could do each day. It's not a to do list, but he'd rather have a list of things and select one or a few things to do. Instead of a list of things, I just left him a note telling him I appreciated all he does for us, especially the extra 'chores' he does during the summer. He did a few things yesterday I didn't thank him for, so this note will hopefully be a surprise to him and encourage him today.

3. Blake Shelton - He is shedding light on an artist, Dave Barnes, by covering his song "God Gave Me You". He did a good job on the song.  I'm excited for all of the exposure Dave will get and hope it just catapults his success in the music industry. Dave is such a great example of Christ's love and has such a big heart... I'm excited about this.

Blessed day to you.

Have you ever used Grooveshark? I've heard about it...knew what it was...etc for a while. But I was a Pandora girl.

So I thought. I decided there were some songs I was craving to hear today, so I signed up for Grooveshark and now have no idea why I stayed on Pandora for so long. I love that you can pick songs you like and just play those.

If I'm feeling kind of mellow, I'll listen to a little Jon McLaughlin, Dave Barnes.  If I'm feeling a little feisty, I'm playing Lady Gaga, Green Day, Britney Spears.  If I'm feeling artsey, Adele, Florence and the Machine, Sara Bareilles.

I love it. I'm very thankful for it today.

Side note: We're not supposed to be streaming music at work...but I do anyway.

:)

Always Be Joyful

1 Thessalonians 5:12-13
"Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance.  Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other."


I was involved in a meeting for our church and felt some conviction about my lack of dedicated prayer for the leadership of our church and for the "big C" church (meaning the Christian body.)  No one said anything that stirred this, but the reality of what goes into serving and leading any group of people. (Including a group of people striving to be the best Jesus followers they can be, but who often judge and criticize way too often. I'm just as guilty).


While taking a little time today during my lunch, (BTW I ate at my desk today because I had to get some stuff done), I was doing a little reading about leadership. I was led to 1 Thessalonians and read a bit and prayed a bit about the verse above.  Fortunately, I've had many opportunities to be a part of and lead a group.  I oftentimes can recognize good leadership quickly not because I am a good leader myself (I think I have some qualities, but I'm still learning), but because I am intuitive in that way. I can read right through bad leaders who pretend to be good. 


Anyway, I know how much work goes into leading any kind of group. Unfortunately, Christians tend to be some of the most judgmental group to lead. So, I was feeling grateful for our leadership. I prayed for them today and hope they understand the gratitude of mine and hopefully many other hearts.


While reading I stumbled upon the verses below:


1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, 23-24
"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again.  God will make this happen for who calls you is faithful."


I am so thankful for this truth today. I think some may perceive my post about infertility as a state of ungratefulness or anger at God.  None of that is true.  I simply think my heart is broken.  I feel as though I am not complete because I am called to be a mom. (While I don't think becoming a mom makes me complete, I do believe it fills a portion of your role or purpose if called.)  So it is challenging to be at that place.  I think God has me where he wants me, though. Broken is a good place. Seth Godin, a blogger and many other things, says "Stuck is a state of mind...and it's curable"  Christ is the cure. I know with him, I will be healed. I will have peace.  And there is joy in my heart because of those promises. 


Praise Him.

Smile

"You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face 

and show the world all the love in your heart."

 - Carole King

I have always found that a smile makes me feel better. 

I have been feeling a little down lately. It's primarily the "not good enough" feelings, but I'm pretty sure I can chalk it up to being 'that time'.  You know.

I had been begging Adam to make me a CD of music from his iTunes because he has so much good music on it and I don't have an ipod or iTunes myself.  Nor does my car handle anything of higher technology than a CD, so I wanted some new music...at least new to me. 

One of the CDs he made was an American Idol CD.  It's a bunch of songs that American Idols sang over the last few seasons.  Haley's version of this Carole King song came on and I was like, "Hey! I have all kinds of love in my heart..."  

So it's been my anthem today. I've listened to it at least 24 times.  I'm guessing it's that whole 'self talk' thing that if you tell yourself positive things then you're bound to be more positive! Also the reason for the blog...to be thankful that even in the middle of maybe feeling down or having a bad day...I've been given so many blessings.  A smile is one of them.  

Could you imagine not being able to smile or see others smile? Oooo...that makes me thankful for sight.

Man, I sound ADD today. 

Three blessings for which I'm thankful:

1. The willingness of some people in our church to help put together an open house for a boy in our church family.  It was great to see people serve.

2. Organization - I am thankful for the ability to plan and organize my work day. It relieves a lot of stress to have your day mapped out.

3. My sister.  We don't get to connect all that often, but boy, she's one awesome lady. I'm praying for her and the journey she's on.  I love her to pieces.

Have a great Monday night. 

It's been a while.  I got out of the habit of blogging. Yikes! But I don't want to totally lose the blogging efforts so here's a short and sweet blog for the day.

"Our good intentions are often not perceived as such.  If this misperception happens often, the most useful thing we can do for ourselves is to see what part we've played in this unhappy  outcome. When we honestly discover our part, we will start to feel better."

"You are loved"

If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, it's likely you saw the note I found from my Papa LeRoux (My dad's dad). If not, it's below:

Dear Jaime Rae LeRoux,

Welcome to the World!!

Welcome to the Family!!

(LeRoux and Siefker)

Your name is very meaningful -  In French J'aime means "I Love" 

(Contraction of Je' (I) & aime (love)

Knowing your Mom & Dad and your lovely sister; your grandparents (Siefker & LeRoux); 

your aunts and uncles; your many cousins -

there will be much love in your life!!!

And you will soon learn that LOVE is best when Given!!!

And I'll take all you can give.

Your birth is evidence that God is not yet discouraged by man.

You can bet that one of these days very soon Grandma and Grandpa LeRoux will be down to hold you and love you - and Papa LeRoux will even change your diaper.

You are loved - enjoy your life.

Always love your Papa LeRoux

I cried when I read this. My Papa died when I was very young (7 to be exact). I have memories, only a few, of him.  I remember swimming with him at his pool in Florida.  I remember small things, like the way he smelled and certain things he said that are evident in my dad and uncle Craig (my dad's brother) today. 

What I love about this note are things that could be so easily overlooked. For example, "You will soon learn that love is best when given"  What great words.  What better it was, though, that his actions supported these words. I know this more so because of my dad and uncle. Their work ethic, their love, their demeanor...it is proof that my Papa was that way too.  What a great truth he wrote just two days after I was born. 

The other example that hits me so hard is the "You are loved". Wow. Maybe it doesn't impact you as it does to me. Think about it this way... when you are just two days old, someone says "you are loved". Here I am, nearly 28 years old and I'm reading, "you are loved".  Who doesn't want to hear that?

As much as this note impacts me, it humbles me even more to recognize that God loved me before I was two days old. He loved me before I was even created. And what is even better is that He loves me right now and He'll still love me tomorrow, ten years from now and when I'm no longer alive. Sometimes it takes something so simple as a note written 27 years ago to remind us of His great love for us. 

Finally, he said, "Enjoy your life". I wish I could share with him my life up to this point. I'd share my experiences as a competitive swimmer and the successes I had.  I'd share about how much my sister means to me and what a blessing she is in my life. I'd share about the great lessons I've learned from my parents. I'd share about my best friends during elementary, middle and high school, Amy and Kristina.  I'd share our inside jokes and how much they made me laugh. I'd share about college and about how I thought I was going to be a MTV VJ.  I'd share with him about the moment I decided that was not for me. I'd share about the moment I accepted Christ into my life and how in the depth of a valley He rescued me. (I know he'd be a proud Papa.) I'd share about meeting Adam and not thinking I'd be interested in him.  Then I'd share about Adam's laugh, passion, love, humor, patience, guidance, wisdom... and tell my Papa how truly happy Adam makes me. I'd share about my great employer and my job experiences. I'd share about how I'm a perfectionist and that it sometimes gets mistaken as controlling, but that deep down, I just want everything to be perfect for everyone and if I can make that happen, then I am happy. I'd share about my passion for animals and my loves, Hamm and Beans. I'd share about how I desperately want to have a child I can call my own and that I trust that God is big enough to make that happen. I'd share about my dreams.  

At the end of all of that... I hear him saying, "You are loved".

I'm so grateful for this note. As with anything from a family member who has passed away, it is a gentle reminder to live in the moment being grateful for our many blessings, loving deeply those around us and give God the glory for He is good!

I'll believe it when I see it.

I follow this blog pretty regularly.  Sometimes it is something I think is GREAT and other times maybe not so much.  Today was a great one.

Seth Godin has such a great perspective...I had to share.

Have a great weekend loving on your families and mom's.  I pray for a friend of mine who I found out was also struggling with infertility.  Small little "holidays" like Mother's Day always puts an added tension to the day. I pray she and I both will be able to love others deeply without a hint of jealousy.  I pray we give our hearts to God and we rejoice in the blessings we have - our mumsies. :)

Music to my ears

I've been loving my Pandora lately.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Coldplay - Fix You

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts

Amanda Seyfried - Little House

Kris Allen - Falling Slowly


And my anthem right now:

Josh Wilson - Before the Morning

Long time coming

This post has certainly been a long time coming. It's something that has been deep in my heart for quite some time.

I look reasonably healthy. I am a successful woman with a career. I am professional and composed. I am fairly young and "somewhat" in shape.  I have a husband and two great four-legged kids.  I am put together with a warm smile.  You usually find me extending a hand to others or giving hugs. What you don't see is that I'm hurting. My heart is broken and it gets re broken every month.

I've been suffering. It's not cancer or a virus. I do not have some kind of disorder or disease. You won't even see me going into the hospital for this ailment. But this suffering is critical, serious and even life-threatening. Physically? No. Mentally? Yes. Emotionally? Yes. Spiritually? Yes, very much so.

Infertility.  The word is like poison on my lips (or fingers if we're being literal.) This word, I have come to despise, loathe and nearly cannot bear to speak.  For almost three years, every month has been a roller coaster of prayer and hope only to be crushed...defeated...depressed.

As you can imagine, being a couple years shy of 30, my peers are in their "prime" of baby making.  It's the dreaded phone call of a friend (close or not, but close enough to feel it necessary to call with their great news.)  It's the facebook announcement and then week after week pictures of their growing baby bump. It's the twitpics and blogs of their "life of now 3"...then 4 or 5 or 6...however many they are blessed with. Every single time its a pain and a sorrow only those in my same shoes can understand.  These people are going through things I can't imagine. They are experiencing things I have never experienced and magically out of no where, there are 4-10 more women who drank the same water. All of the sudden, there is this master support group of women who are bonded (at least for the next 9 months) discussing their pregnancy only to move after the 9 months to the "my world revolves around my kid" stage.

Support group? Why do they need support? What happens during the time of carrying something so incredibly precious that there is a need for support? But support happens...and it's like ants. They just come out of the woodwork.

Where I am during that process is over here. All alone -the non-pregnant one. And my heart cries out, when is it my turn?

I am tired of the phone calls. I'm tired of trying to be happy when all I am is jealous. I am tired of crying because it hurts too bad.  I am tired of feeling alone in this journey.

I stumbled upon another person's blog, a stranger, who at one point was exactly where I am today.  This what what she wrote (and it feels like an overflow of my heart):

"If God is in control of everything and plans everything out, well, then, He’s being pretty mean allowing everyone in my life to be pregnant except for me.

If God is not in control and has chosen to limit His power in this broken, fallen world, and is sitting back, just as sad as I am about this suffering, well, then, He’s just not all that powerful is He?

If God really does operate like the book of Job suggests, allowing Satan to harm us to prove that we can be faithful to Him, well, then, where was my choice in the matter? Because today, I don’t feel like being the one that proves faithfulness.

If God is choosing to allow suffering in my life to reveal His glory in me, for some odd reason, well, then, sorry to yet again sound selfish, but I’d rather not play that role, thank you very much.

If God is changed by our prayers, and prayers are worth praying, well, then, has anyone been giving Him my messages? Because not just me, but probably hundreds of people have sent up prayers about this and nada.

And the biggy—if everything is set in motion, and God isn’t affected by our prayers, well, then, I’m out. I’m done. Because the prayers are just disappointing at this point."

It is incredible to me the honesty of this person's heart and how when I read it...it's a mirror of my own heart. It's the I feel like giving up. It's the I don't think I can pull myself up and take one more incredibly hard step. 

I was very fortunate to hear a wonderful woman, Anne Ryder, speak yesterday about her life and how "In an Instant" our lives can change.  One thing you probably know about Anne is that at one point in her life she was a very successful news anchor on WTHR Channel 13 in Indianapolis.  What you may not know about her is that at 6 months pregnant with her second child, a son, her uterus burst and for three hours, she bled...almost to death.  She lost her son.  She ended up in the hospital for a length of time. She said at one point, a nurse came in and rubbed talc powder on her back with her fingertips.  Anne never saw her face. But the gentle touch was exactly what Anne needed. A little while later, Anne asked her husband if that had been an angel who touched her back and her husband said "no, a nurse". (Remind me someday to explain the story of why this was so important to Anne - particularly from her trip to Calcutta.) A day or so later, a woman  came in the room with tattoos and spiky hair.  Anne, a polished woman was first caught off guard a little bit.  The woman said she was a pee-ologist. She was there to examine Anne's urine. The woman said, "if you stay with me long enough, I can be the poop-ologist too".  What Anne did after that was laugh. For the moment, she realized, she will be able to laugh after this. She will be able to move on.  

Again, fortunate, I stayed after the speech to thank Anne for sharing her heart and being so vulnerable with this group.  She, of course, thanked me.  I said, knowing Anne was a woman of faith and trust in Jesus Christ, "It is truly an encouragement to see someone be in the depths of a valley and move on."  She said something that was powerful to me. She said, "It is good for me to keep speaking like this. It reminds me, as painful as it is, to keep moving forward...to keep letting go. We cannot close our hearts, we must keep them open." (Open to all God has for us.)

And of course...the tears flowed. What love she extended to me today. 

I write this today because I need support and unfortunately, I don't know what that looks like. I need to "verbalize" this and to work through it. I need to hold onto the promises of the Word. I was making an effort for a while that anytime I thought of babies, pregnancy, etc, I would remind myself to turn my focus back to God.  This is a challenge...one I'm still working on. These are the reminders for myself:

There is a song, hymn really that was created from a verse in Matthew:

Seek Ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. 

And all these things shall be added unto you, Allelu Alleluia. 

Ask and it shall be added unto you.  Seek and Ye shall find. 

Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Allelu, Alleluia.

There are a couple verses that I hold onto tightly. 

John 15:7

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.

Luke 18:1

Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

1 John 5:14-15

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

It is hard for me to praise God for this life circumstance. I don't think I'm there yet.  But I know I've been showered with His grace abundantly.  While I do not understand the plan; I cannot see it. I will continue to wrestle with, struggle, and seek out the Truth, the lessons, the opportunities to grow.  And much like Anne, I have the hope of something greater. While I might not be there yet, I know it's there... 

Biggest Project Yet...

So here's the deal. I survived. I survived the implementation of the biggest project I think I've worked on in my career! Hooray right?

Well, I'm partly there. It's really been an overall good experience.  I learned more than I ever thought I would about websites, the implementation of them, the designer's eye, the consistency of a brand, working with people who have opinions...then realizing, sometimes I'm the person with the opinion...

Needless to say, I am glad it is complete as far as launching a new website can be.  There is still so much work ahead of me, but there is a load lifted now that it's live.  Praise the Lord.

Feedback is appreciated.Take a look and give me your thoughts in your free time! :)


A few additional things to be thankful for:

1. Little kids - I was with a little kid (a kindergarten girl) last night and she prayed the cutest prayer one could hear. In a sweet angelic voice, she prayed for many a thing including "Thank you for the food you have given us and the tables and the couches."  I laughed a little.  But she also prayed, "And help us to be kind to one another. Help us to sleep well tonight and to wake up and do good things in the morning."  That blessed my heart.

2. A calendar.  A co-worker bought me a calendar for Christmas.  It was one of those tear every day off kind of  calendars.  Everything in this calendar surrounded around "Women who do too much".  Monday's was:

"Many of us are afraid to be alone.  We are afraid that if no one else is around, no one will be present - or that we will be in, and will be, a void. When we lose the awareness of ourselves, we try to fill up our time with work, busyness, food, and other people.  It never works.  When no one else is around, you have the potential to be with a very interesting person."

By nature, I don't like to be alone.  I'm 100% a people person.  But I must admit some conviction when I read about how we fill up our time with other things, we lose our awareness of ourselves.  Yikes.  Not good.  So I will be intentional this week to consider alone time and how valuable that may be to my life.

3. Sleep. When you are deprived of sleep, it is easy to be thankful for it. I am looking forward to sleep tonight!

4. A wedding this weekend!
5. To be alive
6. Sunshine again - :)
7. Blogs - I feel better that I can process on here than talking someone's ear off all of the time. :)

Friday

Disclaimer: I started this entry on Friday and am finishing it now...Sunday. :)

I have learned that by Friday, my filter diminishes.  No matter how much I try, I become quite frank and blunt.  It's ok, though, because people around me have learned that about me. I'd like to think I'm more aware of it than I used to be, but who knows. I suppose this is just a warning, then, to those who are around me on Fridays. :)

Side note:
Pandora has been my friend lately. I've learned of some artists who sound like other people I like.  Recently I put "Jar of Hearts" as my 'station' and I learned of "A Fine Frenzy".  I like them a lot. Thank you Pandora.

I thought it would be appropriate to reflect back on my week when determining God's blessings. Here are some things for which I'm thankful:

1. Starbucks - Skinny Caramel Macchiatos.  These truly are blessings and help me get through the week. For just over 100 calories, I can enjoy some delicious goodness.  Some may not think it's a blessing from God, but it definitely brightens my day. (It's the simple things, right?)

2. Romans 7:15 - "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  This has provided some solace to me this week.  In reading my book, So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, I had the revelation that while we make mistakes (sometimes over and over and over and over...) I'm not alone.  Paul was there. His actions didn't always reflect what he wanted to do. While that doesn't justify or give me an excuse, it certainly eases the pain and provides peace when I constantly feel like I fail myself... I'm thankful to not be alone in that.

So begins the Sunday part:

3. Warm weather - my goodness. 75 yesterday, 83 today. We are blessed to have such wonderful weather. Adam and I had lunch with some friends today. We were outside on a patio and I loved feeling the sun on my skin. Then, we came home and went outside with the dogs. They sure worked up a sweat and so did we as we did a little weeding. 

As we are entering into spring, I am reminded of a song I absolutely love called "Every Season" by Nichole Nordeman. I love the words regarding spring:

"And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe.
And what was frozen through is newly purposed turning all things green
So it is with you and you make me new with every season's change
And so it will be as you are recreating me, Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring."

I love the line that says "What was frozen through is newly purposed." I feel that way in my faith right now. I am seeking hard after God and the parts of my heart that have been hardened in the past ARE newly purposed.  They have been softened, renewed and filled with the Spirit. I know this will be a continual battle because this is the last thing Satan wants, but I am so thankful for this season.

Just a few more:

4. Camwow (an app on the iphone) I'm talking belly laughs with this app.
5. A really big project at work - a stressful project, but will be so rewarding once complete
6. A "high D" Predictive Index.  - High D's are detailed, perfectionists, have high standards for themselves, want to do what's right. I am thankful to be this way because it allows me to keep striving for more responsibility and better results. (I'd like to think I challenge myself and others to be better as well.)
7. Coldstone Cremery (This is how I roll) - tastes just like a cinnamon roll.  Ah-mazing.

That's good for now. Happy Sunday and 80 degree weather!

Be Like Butler Brad

Disclaimer: I did not write this. But I could not resist posting. So incredibly true and inspiring.
Be Like Butler Brad



by John G. Miller

I grew up a wrestler. For that reason—and because I top out at 5' 6"—I've never been much of a basketball fan. And if I did watch the sport on TV, it was the NBA and our local Denver Nuggets, not the NCAA. But that's all changed now, thanks to Coach Brad at Butler University.


A digression ...

In September of 2010, we received a QBQ! QuickNote subscription from Cathy in Indiana. As many of you know, when you sign up we ask, "How did you hear of QBQ!?" The responses range from "My dad told me about it!" to "I found a copy at the thrift store!" to "Our CEO bought everybody a copy!" It's always fun for me to see how QBQ! (as well as Flipping the Switch and Outstanding!) came into someone's life.

And on that day in 2010 Cathy wrote this:

"Brad Stevens, the head coach of the Butler Bulldogs basketball team (NCAA runner-up to Duke in 2010), spoke at our staff meeting. Part of his message was about personal accountability, and he mentioned the QBQ! book. He said it is required reading for all of his players. When something goes wrong on the court like a bad call, missed pass, or a player loses his man on defense, the players can come back to the sidelines distracted by what just happened. That's when the coaching staff simply says "QBQ!" and everybody knows what that means—and gets refocused. Something certainly is working for them, so I was compelled to read the QBQ! book, too."

Honestly, my first thought was, Who is Brad Stevens? Well, thanks to Cathy's note and a call the same week from an Alabama coach looking for QBQ! books for his team (he'd heard about QBQ! from Coach Brad, as well), I thought it was high time I thank this guy—whoever he was!

Well, what a treat it was when Coach Brad responded to my email, affirming it's true that all Butler players for the past several years have been given QBQ! to read.

So, I started to take note of this man from afar—and I am impressed. Allow me to share what I think he understands ...

Teamwork: Coach Brad knows that even in a tremendously collaborative arena like basketball, it's STILL ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL. Don't buy the lie, "There are no I's in team!" Not true. Every corporate, nonprofit, athletic, family, and church team I've ever come across is full of I's. And it's amazing what a team can do when each person practices Personal Accountability. Teamwork is great, but high functioning teams are built on individuals who don't blame, procrastinate, or engage in victim thinking.

Humility: After Butler's come-from-behind victory against Florida in the 2011 NCAA tourney, he stated in an ESPN interview that he'd been "out coached" and that his assistants and team had carried him. This statement, coming after a big win, caused a lot of head scratching in the media. Why? Well, it's simple: The sports world isn't accustomed to hearing contrite statements like that.

Perspective: People speculate about which big school might offer him a ton of money to come coach. To that Coach Brad says, "It’s not like I’m a guy who thinks the grass is greener somewhere else just because everybody says it’s supposed to be. I think that we are very fortunate to have really green grass at Butler.” For a young guy who's become famous real fast, he still has both feet planted firmly on the ground. A rarity in our world today.

Maturity: Go ahead, watch him on the sidelines. This is one guy you won't see cussing at the officials and throwing chairs out of childlike anger. His calm and cool style is an outstanding example for players and coaches everywhere ... and the rest of us, too.

Grace: After Butler's loss to University of Connecticut in the 2011 finals, he stated, "I don't love my guys any less because we lost." Hmmm, I bet young athletes everywhere could stand to hear an it's-not-all-about-winning message from mom and dad, and their coaches, too.

Personal Accountability: Coach Stevens made a very meaningful statement to me. He said, "Accountability is a core value for our team and QBQ! defines it for us." Obviously, I couldn't be more honored. Thank you, Coach! But after watching him being interviewed several times now, I didn't really need him to tell me that. It's evident in his words and his actions. Clearly, Personal Accountability is not just a corporate value for the Butler team, but a personal value for the Butler coach.

I'm sure there is much more to Coach Brad Stevens—the husband, the dad, the man of faith—but I've never met him. I hope to someday. And if I do, it'll be this author asking for his autograph. I'll also thank him for not only engendering in a former grappler an interest in college basketball, but for representing his sport in an outstanding way.

Note: As always, we'd be delighted to have you forward this QuickNote to everyone you know, but at the very least, please send to coaches, school superintendents, and athletic directors everywhere. Thank you!

John G. Miller

The QBQ! Guy

Day two

I think day two of a blog is the hardest.  Day one - you've decided you're starting.  Day three - you've committed to an idea or theme of your blog. Day two is just day two.  Like a second album for a new artist. Is it going to be what you liked if you loved the first album? Maybe you don't even give it a chance because you didn't like the first album.

What I'm learning is that it doesn't really matter what you think. No offense. I am reminding myself why I started this. For me.  Ok, I'm back on track.

Today I have book club. I love book club. There are some amazing women who are on the verge of greatness, as someone once said to me. I am excited to (hopefully) speak truth into other women and likewise have truth fill my heart.

A few things to note today:
1. I love sunshine. I enjoy bringing my lunch. I feel like I get to enjoy my entire lunch hour. But I had to go home and let the dogs out at lunch because Adam wasn't getting home until later. I absolutely LOVED the sunshine. It certainly warmed my heart and I am so entirely grateful.

2. Twitter - I won't go into much detail here, but I love twitter. I love that I get glimpses into peoples minds (or agendas).

3. Beth Moore. Shewie. I am reading that book, So Long Insecurity. She has written some major truths in this book that have resonated with me.  A golden nugget: "We don't just need help with our insecurity. We need healing... If we suppress our insecurities rather than inviting specific truth to supplant them, we leave ourselves wide open to the next onslaught." Amen, sister.

4. ear buds - I listened to some incredible music today while doing some mindless work. I love good music

5. Pains - I know it's weird to be thankful for some pains in my heart/life. But I am today. I'm reminded of a song that says, "This is where the healing begins. Oh. This is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark."

Good stuff.