If you've read any of my past posts, you would know that the story, time and time again, is how someone in my life becomes pregnant. Cue emotional roller coaster on the inside and my poor attempt to manage them on the outside.
I feared the same ole' story would trigger the special people in my life to do one of a few things:
- Lose compassion for this stage of my life.
- Lose compassion for those struggling with infertility.
- Fear sharing their 'good news' with me.
- Distance themselves from me.
Let's face it. None of these are good options, but would probably be the result of what is perceived to be a 'poor me' mentality.
I have asked myself this question over and over again. I've asked to be shaken to my core if the way I feel, the way I hurt, is victim thinking. You see, I despise victim thinking. I see it all the time, people not aware that their circumstances might be due to their actions. Or a better way of saying it would be, a lack of taking responsibility for the problems you're facing. Let me be clear, I don't believe I have created my own problem of infertility. I'm simply referencing when someone blames everyone else in the world for their problems, but can't see that if they might be the problem. I see victim thinking played out in lesser important things in life... but it exists. And I despise it.
Each time I revisit the question, I am reminded that what I am going through - or whatever trial you are going through - is hard. Hard times come with emotions, pain, suffering, grieving, seeking, prayer and for me, an overarching theme of peace. I think that's why I have this yo-yo effect. Some might call it instability, but I call it processing. There are times when I rest in His peace easily. And there are times when my emotions are the loudest voice causing distraction and an inability to focus.
I guess it's only appropriate to thank you (if you're reading this) for walking with me as I yo-yo.
The truth is that I think I'm getting better at staying focused. A major reason is the Holy Spirit changing my heart and protecting me from hurtful thoughts. And as if that isn't enough, I would say the other positive change factor is my self-talk. I am by nature an extreme extrovert. With that, I don't internalize much. I don't sit and ponder life's great mysteries. I'll talk about them until the cows come home, but internally thinking is not my strong suit.
The past couple of months, I have focused on my self-talk... as little as it was happening. I had a dear friend tell me that it is hard for some who naturally don't have the voice in their head to start using it, hearing it and working with it. I am grateful for God's work in me. It doesn't mean this trial will get any easier, but it means I might rest in His peace more often. And I like that idea.
