So, those who know me know that I'm fairly social. Ok, not fairly. I'm a people person to my core. I love time with coworkers, friends, family, my husband, even my dogs. I rarely take time to be alone.
A big reason I don't take time to be alone is because I don't like it. I don't find it rejuvenating. I don't find it peaceful. I don't find it encouraging or inspiring. But probably the biggest reason I don't take time to be alone that often is because I value relationships. I feel that my time is somewhat limited and so any available time needs to be spent between my three families (my parents, Adam's mom & stepdad and Adam's dad and his girlfriend), my friends, my church family, etc. Oftentimes I feel guilty about taking time just for me because I don't find it as beneficial as if I experiencing life with someone else.
My coworker/friend gave me a calendar last Christmas that was daily sayings for "Women Who Do Too Much". Well, that's me alright. And the saying on October 14th is one (out of about 70) that I've kept in hopes of entering them into an electronic document. There are a lot of good reminders that have hit home for me. October 14th says,
"Maybe we are not going away from 'them.' Maybe we are 'going to' ourselves. Everyone benefits and there is less guilt all around when we take time out to 'go to' ourselves."
That's interesting. Go to myself. I found when pondering this saying that while I'm around me all day long, I am not taking time to ask myself important questions:
How am I doing with God, life, relationships, work?
How have I been doing with being who I know I'm called to be?
What am I doing to be a better spouse, friend, coworker?
How am I doing with the pains in my life?
I think some of these I answer through the week. I am very pensive and thoughtful on Sundays after a message at church or after reading something that's touched me (be it a quote, a passage out of my bible, an old journal entry, etc). I always seek to implement something new to help me extend more of God's love and grace to someone else. While I think this is good and important...I am strategically and somewhat unintentionally avoiding the hard things that I'm dealing with. I'm not allowing myself to truly identify my feelings, recognize those are feelings, learn or remind myself of how God sees me and the promises He has for me.
I took some time to do this today during my lunch. It was slightly uncomfortable. I'll admit. But I was able to think through, process and deal with some emotions, past hurts, and insecurities. I know I'll never prefer alone time to social time, but I do see the value in taking time to 'go to' myself. Maybe I'll make it more of a habit...
