Long time coming

This post has certainly been a long time coming. It's something that has been deep in my heart for quite some time.

I look reasonably healthy. I am a successful woman with a career. I am professional and composed. I am fairly young and "somewhat" in shape.  I have a husband and two great four-legged kids.  I am put together with a warm smile.  You usually find me extending a hand to others or giving hugs. What you don't see is that I'm hurting. My heart is broken and it gets re broken every month.

I've been suffering. It's not cancer or a virus. I do not have some kind of disorder or disease. You won't even see me going into the hospital for this ailment. But this suffering is critical, serious and even life-threatening. Physically? No. Mentally? Yes. Emotionally? Yes. Spiritually? Yes, very much so.

Infertility.  The word is like poison on my lips (or fingers if we're being literal.) This word, I have come to despise, loathe and nearly cannot bear to speak.  For almost three years, every month has been a roller coaster of prayer and hope only to be crushed...defeated...depressed.

As you can imagine, being a couple years shy of 30, my peers are in their "prime" of baby making.  It's the dreaded phone call of a friend (close or not, but close enough to feel it necessary to call with their great news.)  It's the facebook announcement and then week after week pictures of their growing baby bump. It's the twitpics and blogs of their "life of now 3"...then 4 or 5 or 6...however many they are blessed with. Every single time its a pain and a sorrow only those in my same shoes can understand.  These people are going through things I can't imagine. They are experiencing things I have never experienced and magically out of no where, there are 4-10 more women who drank the same water. All of the sudden, there is this master support group of women who are bonded (at least for the next 9 months) discussing their pregnancy only to move after the 9 months to the "my world revolves around my kid" stage.

Support group? Why do they need support? What happens during the time of carrying something so incredibly precious that there is a need for support? But support happens...and it's like ants. They just come out of the woodwork.

Where I am during that process is over here. All alone -the non-pregnant one. And my heart cries out, when is it my turn?

I am tired of the phone calls. I'm tired of trying to be happy when all I am is jealous. I am tired of crying because it hurts too bad.  I am tired of feeling alone in this journey.

I stumbled upon another person's blog, a stranger, who at one point was exactly where I am today.  This what what she wrote (and it feels like an overflow of my heart):

"If God is in control of everything and plans everything out, well, then, He’s being pretty mean allowing everyone in my life to be pregnant except for me.

If God is not in control and has chosen to limit His power in this broken, fallen world, and is sitting back, just as sad as I am about this suffering, well, then, He’s just not all that powerful is He?

If God really does operate like the book of Job suggests, allowing Satan to harm us to prove that we can be faithful to Him, well, then, where was my choice in the matter? Because today, I don’t feel like being the one that proves faithfulness.

If God is choosing to allow suffering in my life to reveal His glory in me, for some odd reason, well, then, sorry to yet again sound selfish, but I’d rather not play that role, thank you very much.

If God is changed by our prayers, and prayers are worth praying, well, then, has anyone been giving Him my messages? Because not just me, but probably hundreds of people have sent up prayers about this and nada.

And the biggy—if everything is set in motion, and God isn’t affected by our prayers, well, then, I’m out. I’m done. Because the prayers are just disappointing at this point."

It is incredible to me the honesty of this person's heart and how when I read it...it's a mirror of my own heart. It's the I feel like giving up. It's the I don't think I can pull myself up and take one more incredibly hard step. 

I was very fortunate to hear a wonderful woman, Anne Ryder, speak yesterday about her life and how "In an Instant" our lives can change.  One thing you probably know about Anne is that at one point in her life she was a very successful news anchor on WTHR Channel 13 in Indianapolis.  What you may not know about her is that at 6 months pregnant with her second child, a son, her uterus burst and for three hours, she bled...almost to death.  She lost her son.  She ended up in the hospital for a length of time. She said at one point, a nurse came in and rubbed talc powder on her back with her fingertips.  Anne never saw her face. But the gentle touch was exactly what Anne needed. A little while later, Anne asked her husband if that had been an angel who touched her back and her husband said "no, a nurse". (Remind me someday to explain the story of why this was so important to Anne - particularly from her trip to Calcutta.) A day or so later, a woman  came in the room with tattoos and spiky hair.  Anne, a polished woman was first caught off guard a little bit.  The woman said she was a pee-ologist. She was there to examine Anne's urine. The woman said, "if you stay with me long enough, I can be the poop-ologist too".  What Anne did after that was laugh. For the moment, she realized, she will be able to laugh after this. She will be able to move on.  

Again, fortunate, I stayed after the speech to thank Anne for sharing her heart and being so vulnerable with this group.  She, of course, thanked me.  I said, knowing Anne was a woman of faith and trust in Jesus Christ, "It is truly an encouragement to see someone be in the depths of a valley and move on."  She said something that was powerful to me. She said, "It is good for me to keep speaking like this. It reminds me, as painful as it is, to keep moving forward...to keep letting go. We cannot close our hearts, we must keep them open." (Open to all God has for us.)

And of course...the tears flowed. What love she extended to me today. 

I write this today because I need support and unfortunately, I don't know what that looks like. I need to "verbalize" this and to work through it. I need to hold onto the promises of the Word. I was making an effort for a while that anytime I thought of babies, pregnancy, etc, I would remind myself to turn my focus back to God.  This is a challenge...one I'm still working on. These are the reminders for myself:

There is a song, hymn really that was created from a verse in Matthew:

Seek Ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. 

And all these things shall be added unto you, Allelu Alleluia. 

Ask and it shall be added unto you.  Seek and Ye shall find. 

Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Allelu, Alleluia.

There are a couple verses that I hold onto tightly. 

John 15:7

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.

Luke 18:1

Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

1 John 5:14-15

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

It is hard for me to praise God for this life circumstance. I don't think I'm there yet.  But I know I've been showered with His grace abundantly.  While I do not understand the plan; I cannot see it. I will continue to wrestle with, struggle, and seek out the Truth, the lessons, the opportunities to grow.  And much like Anne, I have the hope of something greater. While I might not be there yet, I know it's there... 

Biggest Project Yet...

So here's the deal. I survived. I survived the implementation of the biggest project I think I've worked on in my career! Hooray right?

Well, I'm partly there. It's really been an overall good experience.  I learned more than I ever thought I would about websites, the implementation of them, the designer's eye, the consistency of a brand, working with people who have opinions...then realizing, sometimes I'm the person with the opinion...

Needless to say, I am glad it is complete as far as launching a new website can be.  There is still so much work ahead of me, but there is a load lifted now that it's live.  Praise the Lord.

Feedback is appreciated.Take a look and give me your thoughts in your free time! :)


A few additional things to be thankful for:

1. Little kids - I was with a little kid (a kindergarten girl) last night and she prayed the cutest prayer one could hear. In a sweet angelic voice, she prayed for many a thing including "Thank you for the food you have given us and the tables and the couches."  I laughed a little.  But she also prayed, "And help us to be kind to one another. Help us to sleep well tonight and to wake up and do good things in the morning."  That blessed my heart.

2. A calendar.  A co-worker bought me a calendar for Christmas.  It was one of those tear every day off kind of  calendars.  Everything in this calendar surrounded around "Women who do too much".  Monday's was:

"Many of us are afraid to be alone.  We are afraid that if no one else is around, no one will be present - or that we will be in, and will be, a void. When we lose the awareness of ourselves, we try to fill up our time with work, busyness, food, and other people.  It never works.  When no one else is around, you have the potential to be with a very interesting person."

By nature, I don't like to be alone.  I'm 100% a people person.  But I must admit some conviction when I read about how we fill up our time with other things, we lose our awareness of ourselves.  Yikes.  Not good.  So I will be intentional this week to consider alone time and how valuable that may be to my life.

3. Sleep. When you are deprived of sleep, it is easy to be thankful for it. I am looking forward to sleep tonight!

4. A wedding this weekend!
5. To be alive
6. Sunshine again - :)
7. Blogs - I feel better that I can process on here than talking someone's ear off all of the time. :)

Friday

Disclaimer: I started this entry on Friday and am finishing it now...Sunday. :)

I have learned that by Friday, my filter diminishes.  No matter how much I try, I become quite frank and blunt.  It's ok, though, because people around me have learned that about me. I'd like to think I'm more aware of it than I used to be, but who knows. I suppose this is just a warning, then, to those who are around me on Fridays. :)

Side note:
Pandora has been my friend lately. I've learned of some artists who sound like other people I like.  Recently I put "Jar of Hearts" as my 'station' and I learned of "A Fine Frenzy".  I like them a lot. Thank you Pandora.

I thought it would be appropriate to reflect back on my week when determining God's blessings. Here are some things for which I'm thankful:

1. Starbucks - Skinny Caramel Macchiatos.  These truly are blessings and help me get through the week. For just over 100 calories, I can enjoy some delicious goodness.  Some may not think it's a blessing from God, but it definitely brightens my day. (It's the simple things, right?)

2. Romans 7:15 - "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  This has provided some solace to me this week.  In reading my book, So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, I had the revelation that while we make mistakes (sometimes over and over and over and over...) I'm not alone.  Paul was there. His actions didn't always reflect what he wanted to do. While that doesn't justify or give me an excuse, it certainly eases the pain and provides peace when I constantly feel like I fail myself... I'm thankful to not be alone in that.

So begins the Sunday part:

3. Warm weather - my goodness. 75 yesterday, 83 today. We are blessed to have such wonderful weather. Adam and I had lunch with some friends today. We were outside on a patio and I loved feeling the sun on my skin. Then, we came home and went outside with the dogs. They sure worked up a sweat and so did we as we did a little weeding. 

As we are entering into spring, I am reminded of a song I absolutely love called "Every Season" by Nichole Nordeman. I love the words regarding spring:

"And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe.
And what was frozen through is newly purposed turning all things green
So it is with you and you make me new with every season's change
And so it will be as you are recreating me, Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring."

I love the line that says "What was frozen through is newly purposed." I feel that way in my faith right now. I am seeking hard after God and the parts of my heart that have been hardened in the past ARE newly purposed.  They have been softened, renewed and filled with the Spirit. I know this will be a continual battle because this is the last thing Satan wants, but I am so thankful for this season.

Just a few more:

4. Camwow (an app on the iphone) I'm talking belly laughs with this app.
5. A really big project at work - a stressful project, but will be so rewarding once complete
6. A "high D" Predictive Index.  - High D's are detailed, perfectionists, have high standards for themselves, want to do what's right. I am thankful to be this way because it allows me to keep striving for more responsibility and better results. (I'd like to think I challenge myself and others to be better as well.)
7. Coldstone Cremery (This is how I roll) - tastes just like a cinnamon roll.  Ah-mazing.

That's good for now. Happy Sunday and 80 degree weather!

Be Like Butler Brad

Disclaimer: I did not write this. But I could not resist posting. So incredibly true and inspiring.
Be Like Butler Brad



by John G. Miller

I grew up a wrestler. For that reason—and because I top out at 5' 6"—I've never been much of a basketball fan. And if I did watch the sport on TV, it was the NBA and our local Denver Nuggets, not the NCAA. But that's all changed now, thanks to Coach Brad at Butler University.


A digression ...

In September of 2010, we received a QBQ! QuickNote subscription from Cathy in Indiana. As many of you know, when you sign up we ask, "How did you hear of QBQ!?" The responses range from "My dad told me about it!" to "I found a copy at the thrift store!" to "Our CEO bought everybody a copy!" It's always fun for me to see how QBQ! (as well as Flipping the Switch and Outstanding!) came into someone's life.

And on that day in 2010 Cathy wrote this:

"Brad Stevens, the head coach of the Butler Bulldogs basketball team (NCAA runner-up to Duke in 2010), spoke at our staff meeting. Part of his message was about personal accountability, and he mentioned the QBQ! book. He said it is required reading for all of his players. When something goes wrong on the court like a bad call, missed pass, or a player loses his man on defense, the players can come back to the sidelines distracted by what just happened. That's when the coaching staff simply says "QBQ!" and everybody knows what that means—and gets refocused. Something certainly is working for them, so I was compelled to read the QBQ! book, too."

Honestly, my first thought was, Who is Brad Stevens? Well, thanks to Cathy's note and a call the same week from an Alabama coach looking for QBQ! books for his team (he'd heard about QBQ! from Coach Brad, as well), I thought it was high time I thank this guy—whoever he was!

Well, what a treat it was when Coach Brad responded to my email, affirming it's true that all Butler players for the past several years have been given QBQ! to read.

So, I started to take note of this man from afar—and I am impressed. Allow me to share what I think he understands ...

Teamwork: Coach Brad knows that even in a tremendously collaborative arena like basketball, it's STILL ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL. Don't buy the lie, "There are no I's in team!" Not true. Every corporate, nonprofit, athletic, family, and church team I've ever come across is full of I's. And it's amazing what a team can do when each person practices Personal Accountability. Teamwork is great, but high functioning teams are built on individuals who don't blame, procrastinate, or engage in victim thinking.

Humility: After Butler's come-from-behind victory against Florida in the 2011 NCAA tourney, he stated in an ESPN interview that he'd been "out coached" and that his assistants and team had carried him. This statement, coming after a big win, caused a lot of head scratching in the media. Why? Well, it's simple: The sports world isn't accustomed to hearing contrite statements like that.

Perspective: People speculate about which big school might offer him a ton of money to come coach. To that Coach Brad says, "It’s not like I’m a guy who thinks the grass is greener somewhere else just because everybody says it’s supposed to be. I think that we are very fortunate to have really green grass at Butler.” For a young guy who's become famous real fast, he still has both feet planted firmly on the ground. A rarity in our world today.

Maturity: Go ahead, watch him on the sidelines. This is one guy you won't see cussing at the officials and throwing chairs out of childlike anger. His calm and cool style is an outstanding example for players and coaches everywhere ... and the rest of us, too.

Grace: After Butler's loss to University of Connecticut in the 2011 finals, he stated, "I don't love my guys any less because we lost." Hmmm, I bet young athletes everywhere could stand to hear an it's-not-all-about-winning message from mom and dad, and their coaches, too.

Personal Accountability: Coach Stevens made a very meaningful statement to me. He said, "Accountability is a core value for our team and QBQ! defines it for us." Obviously, I couldn't be more honored. Thank you, Coach! But after watching him being interviewed several times now, I didn't really need him to tell me that. It's evident in his words and his actions. Clearly, Personal Accountability is not just a corporate value for the Butler team, but a personal value for the Butler coach.

I'm sure there is much more to Coach Brad Stevens—the husband, the dad, the man of faith—but I've never met him. I hope to someday. And if I do, it'll be this author asking for his autograph. I'll also thank him for not only engendering in a former grappler an interest in college basketball, but for representing his sport in an outstanding way.

Note: As always, we'd be delighted to have you forward this QuickNote to everyone you know, but at the very least, please send to coaches, school superintendents, and athletic directors everywhere. Thank you!

John G. Miller

The QBQ! Guy

Day two

I think day two of a blog is the hardest.  Day one - you've decided you're starting.  Day three - you've committed to an idea or theme of your blog. Day two is just day two.  Like a second album for a new artist. Is it going to be what you liked if you loved the first album? Maybe you don't even give it a chance because you didn't like the first album.

What I'm learning is that it doesn't really matter what you think. No offense. I am reminding myself why I started this. For me.  Ok, I'm back on track.

Today I have book club. I love book club. There are some amazing women who are on the verge of greatness, as someone once said to me. I am excited to (hopefully) speak truth into other women and likewise have truth fill my heart.

A few things to note today:
1. I love sunshine. I enjoy bringing my lunch. I feel like I get to enjoy my entire lunch hour. But I had to go home and let the dogs out at lunch because Adam wasn't getting home until later. I absolutely LOVED the sunshine. It certainly warmed my heart and I am so entirely grateful.

2. Twitter - I won't go into much detail here, but I love twitter. I love that I get glimpses into peoples minds (or agendas).

3. Beth Moore. Shewie. I am reading that book, So Long Insecurity. She has written some major truths in this book that have resonated with me.  A golden nugget: "We don't just need help with our insecurity. We need healing... If we suppress our insecurities rather than inviting specific truth to supplant them, we leave ourselves wide open to the next onslaught." Amen, sister.

4. ear buds - I listened to some incredible music today while doing some mindless work. I love good music

5. Pains - I know it's weird to be thankful for some pains in my heart/life. But I am today. I'm reminded of a song that says, "This is where the healing begins. Oh. This is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark."

Good stuff.

Thankful

Thankfulness: is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment 

of a benefit that one has received or will receive.

I have been feeling as if I've not stopped to smell the roses recently. I say that, but in all honesty, I don't think that's 100% accurate. I am learning and growing quite a bit, but I think I've led such a busy life that I've conveniently not stopped to think about the blessings in my life. The Bible says if you want to gain your life, first you must lose it. Our pastor said to the church once, if you are struggling with money, first give some away. In comparing that idea to my life right now...I'm letting what struggles or insecurities I am facing consume my thoughts. So, I've been making efforts to be a blessing to others, not with the intention of gaining blessings in return, but simply to help me recognize the blessings in my life from a greater perspective. Make sense? Well, if not, that's OK. It is helping me. It's amazing what God can do in your heart when you strive to be a selfless servant. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I can tell that God is starting the process of replacing the pains and hurts in my heart with HUGE amounts of comfort and peace.

I've been reading a book recently. Whew. This book. This book is taking me to a place I never thought I'd go...and I'm certain will continue to walk me down a path I'd never thought I would walk. This book in combination with everything else God is doing is really leaving me yearning for more. I will still admit that I'm scared where He will have me go. I'm working on trusting...

As I am working through this, I was convicted that I was conveniently not taking a moment to appreciate or acknowledge God's blessings. Not making note of these incredible things (in my heart or on paper) concerns me. So it is with that I begin a new blog.

I am notorious for disclaimers. I have just one with this blog:

This is not a blog for boasting. I plan on sharing the blessings of which I'm aware, but the blog itself is for me. The blog is for me to process my thoughts and process and acknowledge the blessings in my life. Thanks in advance for understanding the purpose of this blog.

Thankfulness: is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.  Here are a few things of which I am thankful:

1. Humility - I had a bad experience with a blog years ago. Friendships were, maybe not completely lost, but certainly altered because of words chosen in a blog. God has a great way of allowing us to experience the consequences of our choices. Humility has been an ever present lesson in my life.

2. My job - My gosh, there are so many people without jobs, let alone jobs they love. I have been stretched and encouraged to grow so much in the last two months. New opportunities have certainly created a new spark in my life. Additionally, I work with amazing people. These people make me laugh. I am very thankful for this blessing.

3. Challenging people - I feel like my last two weeks of life have been discussion after discussion with people who have challenged me in different ways. Honestly, I'm overwhelmed by the challenges, BUT they are so good for me. I really, really love what truth these people have spoken to me...causing me (in the end hopefully) to be a better person.

A few blessings that don't need discussed:

4. Daffodils that recently bloomed

5. Brad Stevens' example of leadership

6. A husband who excels at cleaning

7. Pictures of a friend's niece's 1st birthday party (Joy on a kid's face is priceless.)

8. Dairy Dream

9. The opportunity to help photograph a wedding (what a fun and inspiring day!)

10. Grace. Period.

"If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to

 be thankful for what he's going to get."

--Frank A. Clark