Long time coming

This post has certainly been a long time coming. It's something that has been deep in my heart for quite some time.

I look reasonably healthy. I am a successful woman with a career. I am professional and composed. I am fairly young and "somewhat" in shape.  I have a husband and two great four-legged kids.  I am put together with a warm smile.  You usually find me extending a hand to others or giving hugs. What you don't see is that I'm hurting. My heart is broken and it gets re broken every month.

I've been suffering. It's not cancer or a virus. I do not have some kind of disorder or disease. You won't even see me going into the hospital for this ailment. But this suffering is critical, serious and even life-threatening. Physically? No. Mentally? Yes. Emotionally? Yes. Spiritually? Yes, very much so.

Infertility.  The word is like poison on my lips (or fingers if we're being literal.) This word, I have come to despise, loathe and nearly cannot bear to speak.  For almost three years, every month has been a roller coaster of prayer and hope only to be crushed...defeated...depressed.

As you can imagine, being a couple years shy of 30, my peers are in their "prime" of baby making.  It's the dreaded phone call of a friend (close or not, but close enough to feel it necessary to call with their great news.)  It's the facebook announcement and then week after week pictures of their growing baby bump. It's the twitpics and blogs of their "life of now 3"...then 4 or 5 or 6...however many they are blessed with. Every single time its a pain and a sorrow only those in my same shoes can understand.  These people are going through things I can't imagine. They are experiencing things I have never experienced and magically out of no where, there are 4-10 more women who drank the same water. All of the sudden, there is this master support group of women who are bonded (at least for the next 9 months) discussing their pregnancy only to move after the 9 months to the "my world revolves around my kid" stage.

Support group? Why do they need support? What happens during the time of carrying something so incredibly precious that there is a need for support? But support happens...and it's like ants. They just come out of the woodwork.

Where I am during that process is over here. All alone -the non-pregnant one. And my heart cries out, when is it my turn?

I am tired of the phone calls. I'm tired of trying to be happy when all I am is jealous. I am tired of crying because it hurts too bad.  I am tired of feeling alone in this journey.

I stumbled upon another person's blog, a stranger, who at one point was exactly where I am today.  This what what she wrote (and it feels like an overflow of my heart):

"If God is in control of everything and plans everything out, well, then, He’s being pretty mean allowing everyone in my life to be pregnant except for me.

If God is not in control and has chosen to limit His power in this broken, fallen world, and is sitting back, just as sad as I am about this suffering, well, then, He’s just not all that powerful is He?

If God really does operate like the book of Job suggests, allowing Satan to harm us to prove that we can be faithful to Him, well, then, where was my choice in the matter? Because today, I don’t feel like being the one that proves faithfulness.

If God is choosing to allow suffering in my life to reveal His glory in me, for some odd reason, well, then, sorry to yet again sound selfish, but I’d rather not play that role, thank you very much.

If God is changed by our prayers, and prayers are worth praying, well, then, has anyone been giving Him my messages? Because not just me, but probably hundreds of people have sent up prayers about this and nada.

And the biggy—if everything is set in motion, and God isn’t affected by our prayers, well, then, I’m out. I’m done. Because the prayers are just disappointing at this point."

It is incredible to me the honesty of this person's heart and how when I read it...it's a mirror of my own heart. It's the I feel like giving up. It's the I don't think I can pull myself up and take one more incredibly hard step. 

I was very fortunate to hear a wonderful woman, Anne Ryder, speak yesterday about her life and how "In an Instant" our lives can change.  One thing you probably know about Anne is that at one point in her life she was a very successful news anchor on WTHR Channel 13 in Indianapolis.  What you may not know about her is that at 6 months pregnant with her second child, a son, her uterus burst and for three hours, she bled...almost to death.  She lost her son.  She ended up in the hospital for a length of time. She said at one point, a nurse came in and rubbed talc powder on her back with her fingertips.  Anne never saw her face. But the gentle touch was exactly what Anne needed. A little while later, Anne asked her husband if that had been an angel who touched her back and her husband said "no, a nurse". (Remind me someday to explain the story of why this was so important to Anne - particularly from her trip to Calcutta.) A day or so later, a woman  came in the room with tattoos and spiky hair.  Anne, a polished woman was first caught off guard a little bit.  The woman said she was a pee-ologist. She was there to examine Anne's urine. The woman said, "if you stay with me long enough, I can be the poop-ologist too".  What Anne did after that was laugh. For the moment, she realized, she will be able to laugh after this. She will be able to move on.  

Again, fortunate, I stayed after the speech to thank Anne for sharing her heart and being so vulnerable with this group.  She, of course, thanked me.  I said, knowing Anne was a woman of faith and trust in Jesus Christ, "It is truly an encouragement to see someone be in the depths of a valley and move on."  She said something that was powerful to me. She said, "It is good for me to keep speaking like this. It reminds me, as painful as it is, to keep moving forward...to keep letting go. We cannot close our hearts, we must keep them open." (Open to all God has for us.)

And of course...the tears flowed. What love she extended to me today. 

I write this today because I need support and unfortunately, I don't know what that looks like. I need to "verbalize" this and to work through it. I need to hold onto the promises of the Word. I was making an effort for a while that anytime I thought of babies, pregnancy, etc, I would remind myself to turn my focus back to God.  This is a challenge...one I'm still working on. These are the reminders for myself:

There is a song, hymn really that was created from a verse in Matthew:

Seek Ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. 

And all these things shall be added unto you, Allelu Alleluia. 

Ask and it shall be added unto you.  Seek and Ye shall find. 

Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Allelu, Alleluia.

There are a couple verses that I hold onto tightly. 

John 15:7

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.

Luke 18:1

Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

1 John 5:14-15

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

It is hard for me to praise God for this life circumstance. I don't think I'm there yet.  But I know I've been showered with His grace abundantly.  While I do not understand the plan; I cannot see it. I will continue to wrestle with, struggle, and seek out the Truth, the lessons, the opportunities to grow.  And much like Anne, I have the hope of something greater. While I might not be there yet, I know it's there...