Do you ever feel like you've been building, growing and making steps toward who you want to be and then life just slaps you with circumstances that cause you to stumble, doubt and debate whether you can push through?
I've felt like that over the last 6 months or so. I felt like I'd take a step in the right direction then get knocked back two steps...constantly pushing, striving and seeking after who I want to be. I'm so thankful my eyes have been opened to see areas of my life where I can improve. I can't take credit, though. God has created some awesome opportunities for learning.
Adam and I are part of a marriage group at church who is reading and discussing together the book Love & Respect. I'm telling you...this book can truly change your marriage. I've read it once and am now going through it again. I forgot some of the most important lessons about our needs as women and men. I admit, I know quite a few unhappily married couples. It's depressing. I desperately don't want to be unhappily married for any length of time. Thankfully, Adam is the same way. I think that's why I continually evaluate where I'm at and how I'm doing at the goals I set for myself in respect to being a better wife. Adam does the same. Fortunately we both are seeking after the same things: peace, joy, happiness and most importantly, one more small way we can glorify God. In order to accomplish those items, we recognize the need for individual growth. I pray diligently that we don't lose that drive.
In taking a new job in February, I've been riding the learning curve. It's been hard at times...particularly because I hold myself to such a high standard. I'm a perfectionist...anything less than perfect is failure. I'm trying to reteach my mind, but that is certainly difficult when you're wired a certain way.
I think I'll blog next time about my "High B" personality...which is identified through Predictive Index (PI). It's a tool we use for work, but if you read this blog and read about High B's...you'll completely understand me. I'll try to remember that for the next time.
Now, I'm going to eat my lunch. I have limited personal time this evening. When that happens, if I don't process my feelings...I start to disengage. So it was important for me to process some feelings during my lunch hour...onto food. Yum!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Perception is Reality
I had a friend share her concern for me that while in this struggle of infertility, she prayed I would just enjoy where I'm at. That I'd enjoy the special time I get with my husband. That I'd enjoy the quietness of no kids. That I'd enjoy all the blessings God's given me.
I'd like to think that I'm there in some regards. But her perception is reality...and maybe I'm not.
I often compare this struggle to a roller coaster as there are times of great gratitude and joy. But just as quickly the valleys of sorrow arrive. I'd compare my peace, joy and contentment as one ball being juggled right next to the ball of grief, pain, and insecurity. It's a constant juggling act. While I would love to replace the ball of negative feelings, I recognize there is a reason why it's here. I often think of the song "Blessed be Your Name" and the line that says, "Though there's pain in the offering...Blessed be Your Name."
I consider this time of waiting and infertility, etc as a sacrifice to Him. It's a struggle, just like every other sacrifice we offer. I have chosen, rather than to sit in my sorrow, to focus on Him. I've chosen to use this time to pour into people I truly care about. I've chosen to do my best in supporting multiple friends who are also struggling with infertility. I've chosen to focus on growing as an individual and as a wife. The stronger our marriage is, the more prepared we are to face trials should we be blessed with a child. I am sacrificing my personal time to be present in the lives of those I'm around.
So...maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not fully content. I take those words of encouragement and great intention to remind me to be present and to keep pouring into those I love. With all of that said, I am OK with wrestling with this still. I still believe in Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I know He is the source of all things good. I have experienced him working is such incredible ways and nearly impossible situations (and very recently, I might add.) He is my first desire. He always will be. While in my humanness though, I ache for something more...
I'd like to think that I'm there in some regards. But her perception is reality...and maybe I'm not.
I often compare this struggle to a roller coaster as there are times of great gratitude and joy. But just as quickly the valleys of sorrow arrive. I'd compare my peace, joy and contentment as one ball being juggled right next to the ball of grief, pain, and insecurity. It's a constant juggling act. While I would love to replace the ball of negative feelings, I recognize there is a reason why it's here. I often think of the song "Blessed be Your Name" and the line that says, "Though there's pain in the offering...Blessed be Your Name."
I consider this time of waiting and infertility, etc as a sacrifice to Him. It's a struggle, just like every other sacrifice we offer. I have chosen, rather than to sit in my sorrow, to focus on Him. I've chosen to use this time to pour into people I truly care about. I've chosen to do my best in supporting multiple friends who are also struggling with infertility. I've chosen to focus on growing as an individual and as a wife. The stronger our marriage is, the more prepared we are to face trials should we be blessed with a child. I am sacrificing my personal time to be present in the lives of those I'm around.
So...maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not fully content. I take those words of encouragement and great intention to remind me to be present and to keep pouring into those I love. With all of that said, I am OK with wrestling with this still. I still believe in Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I know He is the source of all things good. I have experienced him working is such incredible ways and nearly impossible situations (and very recently, I might add.) He is my first desire. He always will be. While in my humanness though, I ache for something more...
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Bob Barker
What a weird title for a blog post, right? Well, you'll understand later why I chose that for the title.
We had at appointment at Midwest last week. I had a test that was to be taken on day 3 of your cycle to check the anatomy of your 'innerds' if you will. The whole experience was weird. When we were taken to our room, the nurse asked I take off my clothes from the waist down. Here's the deal, though. I was on day 3 of my cycle...and I wasn't able to wear any kind of menstruating materials...that was weird. I know this is normal for them, but let's be honest... when you're menstruating, the last thing you want is for anyone to be near you...especially 'down there'.
Thankfully, Adam was there and was super supportive...as usual. Finally the woman conducting the ultrasound comes in. She was extremely friendly. She sits down and puts a condom over this, what I would call a Bob Barker microphone... and tells me to lie down and relax.
Ok, first of all, in the consultation, I did not ask any questions about the ultrasound. We've all seen plenty of movies and tv shows of pregnant people getting ultrasounds. I guess from that I assumed the ultrasound would be the same as every other ultrasound I've seen and known...outside of the body. Well, I was wrong. So, Bob Barker microphone conducted the ultrasound inside my body and that was taken care of. Friends, I am telling you this was weird.
It's funny, I feel like I'm not a super private person, but all of this testing is really forcing me to be outside of my comfort zone. Ok, lets be honest...there is nothing comfortable about what I've had done up to this point.
Today, we traveled back to Carmel. It is now Day 8 of my cycle and I was scheduled for another test. Before the test, I received the results of my ultrasound . My ovaries look young and have plenty of eggs. All seems to be normal on that front. So I was directed from that test to have a HSG, which is a dye test. This test checks the uterus shape and ensures there isn't blockage in the Fallopian tubes.
I'll spare you the lovely details. Feel free to ask if you really want to know. But with a short period of some intense pain, the test was completed. Good news here too. No blockage in the tubes and the uterus is shaped 'nicely' according to the Dr. She said it's able to handle at least one or two babies at a time. :) (By the way...wouldn't twins be fun?)
Anyways, I praise God for this day. While it did come with more pain that was expected, it also came with reassurance that I'm 'normal'. Things are working properly in my body. I have to praise Him for giving me all of the organs, functioning normal and shaped normal, enabling my body to someday handle a pregnancy. There is a part of me that wonders if I'm allowed the pain of today to prepare my body for pregnancy / delivery. That's a hopeful heart, of course.
I have to mention, too, that I have the best support system. I had a phone call from a supportive friend this afternoon checking up on me. It's such a blessing and answered prayer to have support and empathy from people. She's so caring, understanding and encouraging. She prays expecting God to create a miracle. I love knowing that I'm experiencing Heaven and glimpses of God when I experience community like this. It makes me pray for those women/couples who are trying to do this alone...who do not have a support system. I pray God provides them the comfort they need in the moments they need them just like God has done for me through my friends.
Well, it's time to get going home so I can spend some quality time with my husband. Have I told you he's absolutely wonderful? If not...well let me tell you... he is incredible. I'm so fortunate to be loved by him!
We had at appointment at Midwest last week. I had a test that was to be taken on day 3 of your cycle to check the anatomy of your 'innerds' if you will. The whole experience was weird. When we were taken to our room, the nurse asked I take off my clothes from the waist down. Here's the deal, though. I was on day 3 of my cycle...and I wasn't able to wear any kind of menstruating materials...that was weird. I know this is normal for them, but let's be honest... when you're menstruating, the last thing you want is for anyone to be near you...especially 'down there'.
Thankfully, Adam was there and was super supportive...as usual. Finally the woman conducting the ultrasound comes in. She was extremely friendly. She sits down and puts a condom over this, what I would call a Bob Barker microphone... and tells me to lie down and relax.
Ok, first of all, in the consultation, I did not ask any questions about the ultrasound. We've all seen plenty of movies and tv shows of pregnant people getting ultrasounds. I guess from that I assumed the ultrasound would be the same as every other ultrasound I've seen and known...outside of the body. Well, I was wrong. So, Bob Barker microphone conducted the ultrasound inside my body and that was taken care of. Friends, I am telling you this was weird.
It's funny, I feel like I'm not a super private person, but all of this testing is really forcing me to be outside of my comfort zone. Ok, lets be honest...there is nothing comfortable about what I've had done up to this point.
Today, we traveled back to Carmel. It is now Day 8 of my cycle and I was scheduled for another test. Before the test, I received the results of my ultrasound . My ovaries look young and have plenty of eggs. All seems to be normal on that front. So I was directed from that test to have a HSG, which is a dye test. This test checks the uterus shape and ensures there isn't blockage in the Fallopian tubes.
I'll spare you the lovely details. Feel free to ask if you really want to know. But with a short period of some intense pain, the test was completed. Good news here too. No blockage in the tubes and the uterus is shaped 'nicely' according to the Dr. She said it's able to handle at least one or two babies at a time. :) (By the way...wouldn't twins be fun?)
Anyways, I praise God for this day. While it did come with more pain that was expected, it also came with reassurance that I'm 'normal'. Things are working properly in my body. I have to praise Him for giving me all of the organs, functioning normal and shaped normal, enabling my body to someday handle a pregnancy. There is a part of me that wonders if I'm allowed the pain of today to prepare my body for pregnancy / delivery. That's a hopeful heart, of course.
I have to mention, too, that I have the best support system. I had a phone call from a supportive friend this afternoon checking up on me. It's such a blessing and answered prayer to have support and empathy from people. She's so caring, understanding and encouraging. She prays expecting God to create a miracle. I love knowing that I'm experiencing Heaven and glimpses of God when I experience community like this. It makes me pray for those women/couples who are trying to do this alone...who do not have a support system. I pray God provides them the comfort they need in the moments they need them just like God has done for me through my friends.
Well, it's time to get going home so I can spend some quality time with my husband. Have I told you he's absolutely wonderful? If not...well let me tell you... he is incredible. I'm so fortunate to be loved by him!
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