Perception is Reality

I had a friend share her concern for me that while in this struggle of infertility, she prayed I would just enjoy where I'm at.  That I'd enjoy the special time I get with my husband. That I'd enjoy the quietness of no kids. That I'd enjoy all the blessings God's given me.

I'd like to think that I'm there in some regards. But her perception is reality...and maybe I'm not.

I often compare this struggle to a roller coaster as there are times of great gratitude and joy. But just as quickly the valleys of sorrow arrive. I'd compare my peace, joy and contentment as one ball being juggled right next to the ball of grief, pain, and insecurity. It's a constant juggling act. While I would love to replace the ball of negative feelings, I recognize there is a reason why it's here. I often think of the song "Blessed be Your Name" and the line that says, "Though there's pain in the offering...Blessed be Your Name."

I consider this time of waiting and infertility, etc as a sacrifice to Him. It's a struggle, just like every other sacrifice we offer. I have chosen, rather than to sit in my sorrow, to focus on Him. I've chosen to use this time to pour into people I truly care about. I've chosen to do my best in supporting multiple friends who are also struggling with infertility. I've chosen to focus on growing as an individual and as a wife. The stronger our marriage is, the more prepared we are to face trials should we be blessed with a child. I am sacrificing my personal time to be present in the lives of those I'm around.

So...maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not fully content. I take those words of encouragement and great intention to remind me to be present and to keep pouring into those I love. With all of that said, I am OK with wrestling with this still.  I still believe in Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I know He is the source of all things good. I have experienced him working is such incredible ways and nearly impossible situations (and very recently, I might add.) He is my first desire. He always will be. While in my humanness though, I ache for something more...