The New Year

I cannot believe the new year is here. I have slacked on my blogging. Sadly, my last blog was November 9th. I hate that I don't make time to blog more. It is truly cathartic for me. Maybe that'll be a goal in 2013. :)

Yesterday, our pastor gave a message about intentionally living. It's interesting, from time to time, he'll say something like, "If you're listening to me and thinking about someone in your life that 'should be hearing this message', then stop. Stop thinking about everyone else and what they need to do and think about yourself and what you need to do."

He mentions pretty early that his message is about intentional living so immediately what do I think about? How I hope Adam is listening.

It's so easy to point out flaws in others than our own.

Pretty quickly, though, I realize what I'm doing and redirect my focus. The truth is, we all need the nudge to live intentional lives. We are by nature selfish people. Some are more selfish than others, but we all have it. The desire to meet our own needs. The desire to do what we want. The desire to put our own goals, dreams and ideas ahead of others.

Now, I know I'm a daddy's girl. I have always gravitated toward him. But my dad is one wise man. I am sure I have somewhat rose colored glasses, but I think my dad is one of the better selfless livers. (He's not a liver, but one who lives. - this will be a post with made up words and I'm Ok with it.)

I may have said this before, but I love the advice he gave me before my wedding,

"If you're doing everything you can for your spouse. And he's doing everything he can for you. It can't go wrong."

There. He spelled it out for me... be selfless. But the message this week wasn't about selfless living. It was about intentional living. I think; however, the two go hand in hand. I think about a coffee date with a friend, acquaintance or stranger. If you're thinking about what you have to do after the meeting, you're probably not going to be very intentional. But if you're doing everything you can for the other person, I bet you'll be pretty intentional about their needs.

I think we all can grow in this regards. How often are we in relationships or conversations when we are rushing to finish so we can get onto what we want or need to do? Haven't we heard enough people who are faced with life threatening illnesses say they just wish they would have spent more time with the people and on the things in life that matter most?

So it is with that challenge I head into 2013. I am hoping to be more intentional about my faith and relationship with God. I am hoping to have more intentional relationships with my husband, my parents, my sister & her husband, my in-laws, and my best friends.

The truth is, we cannot do it all. So what are we going to spend our time, love and energy on? The things that matter? Or the things that don't?

Get It Out of the Kitchen

Let me tell you something about Beans. He loves his "egg". That's what we call his favorite toy. Let me give you a little background.

When we first got Beans, he was roughly 7lbs and a tiny little thing. He was so obedient and faithful to us. If we went from the kitchen to the bedroom, you better believe he would follow us back there. Even if it was to simply drop something off.

As he got older and bigger, he loved to destroy things. Tissue paper, toys, even a pair of my shoes suffered the wrath of Beans.  What we learned about Beans (and most dogs) is that their destructive habits generally are due to pent up energy. There was this period (silly us) where we thought we'd try to let Beans stay out and roam the house throughout the day. We thought if he had more space, opportunity to sleep on the bed, etc., he might behave better. Let me tell you what we learned: More Space = More Opportunities (to destroy things!) Who knew he could chew up a TV remote, pull and air freshener out of the wall and chew that up too!

After some conversation with our most amazing vet, Teresa Calvert at Westview Animal Clinic, she advised us to do more activities with Beans. He needed more opportunities to release energy, think, use his senses, etc. With working full time, we weren't exactly sure how to get all of his energy out. So we purchased more toys, particularly ones we could throw outside and he could chase. The funny thing is that any toy with a nubbin', hole, tag, sliver, button, wrinkle, or bump...he could find a way to destroy it. That was...until the egg.  This is just a hard plastic toy, shaped like an egg that when knocked with a paw might go to the right, might go to the left or wobble both ways until who knows how long. That toy has, for years, been his favorite thing. He bites it, scratches it, carries it, hits it, barks at it and the list goes on.

The funny thing about this though, is that inevitably, when playing with it, it will end up in the kitchen.  Our kitchen is linoleum and when a slimy, wet plastic egg gets in their, it bounces off cabinets and slides off in every which direction. Beans must think this is fun, but he starts barking at it and it always gets really loud. What is amazing to me, in the midst of that madness, all I have to say is "Get it out of the kitchen" and he knows exactly what I'm asking him to do. He quietly bites the egg and carries it out of the kitchen and starts to play with it again on the carpet. While it might take him a minute to get his teeth perfectly in the scratched grooves so he can carry it out of the kitchen, he always listens.

I find myself not being as obedient as my precious Boston Terrier. In the midst of my destruction, madness and loud talking, I fail to listen to what my Master is gently saying to me.

Trust me. Let me hold you. Trust me. Let me carry this burden. Trust me. I want to walk beside you. Trust me.  

I don't always stop what I'm doing. I don't always respect the request. I don't always act (inside and out) with the actions He's called me to.  But, I am thankful that something as simple (but valuable to me) as my dog can remind me of that voice.

I know deep down in my core that the voice gently calling me is the voice I need to listen to. Like Beans, I might end up in the kitchen nearly every day. But I pray that in the midst of my future madness that I can step away from my selfish focus and hear what God is saying.

The Power of Self-Talk

I've been a bit absent from blogging lately. I found that each time I came to the site to start sharing a story... the same story.

If you've read any of my past posts, you would know that the story, time and time again, is how someone in my life becomes pregnant. Cue emotional roller coaster on the inside and my poor attempt to manage them on the outside.

I feared the same ole' story would trigger the special people in my life to do one of a few things:

1. Lose compassion for this stage of my life.
2. Lose compassion for those struggling with infertility.
3. Fear sharing their 'good news' with me.
4. Distance themselves from me.

Let's face it. None of these are good options, but would probably be the result of what is perceived to be a 'poor me' mentality. 

I have asked myself this question over and over again. I've asked to be shaken to my core if the way I feel, the way I hurt, is victim thinking. You see, I despise victim thinking. I see it all the time, people not aware that their circumstances might be due to their actions. Or a better way of saying it would be, a lack of taking responsibility for the problems you're facing.  Let me be clear, I don't believe I have created my own problem of infertility. I'm simply referencing when someone blames everyone else in the world for their problems, but can't see that if they might be the problem. I see victim thinking played out in lesser important things in life... but it exists. And I despise it. 

Each time I revisit the question, I am reminded that what I am going through - or whatever trial you are going through - is hard.  Hard times come with emotions, pain, suffering, grieving, seeking, prayer and for me, an overarching theme of peace.  I think that's why I have this yo-yo effect. Some might call it instability, but I call it processing. There are times when I rest in His peace easily. And there are times when my emotions are the loudest voice causing distraction and an inability to focus. 

I guess it's only appropriate to thank you (if you're reading this) for walking with me as I yo-yo. 

The truth is that I think I'm getting better at staying focused. A major reason is the Holy Spirit changing my heart and protecting me from hurtful thoughts. And as if that isn't enough, I would say the other positive change factor is my self-talk. I am by nature an extreme extrovert. With that, I don't internalize much. I don't sit and ponder life's great mysteries. I'll talk about them until the cows come home, but internally thinking is not my strong suit. 

The past couple of months, I have focused on my self-talk... as little as it was happening. I had a dear friend tell me that it is hard for some who naturally don't have the voice in their head to start using it, hearing it and working with it. I am grateful for God's work in me. It doesn't mean this trial will get any easier, but it means I might rest in His peace more often. And I like that idea. 

Joy, Gratitude, Perspective

Joy 

It's always a function of Gratitude. 

Gratitude 

Is always a function of Perspective.

A good reminder today that we choose our joy. It all starts with our perspective. And the truth is that perspective is always a choice. 

Life in the moment.

I found this picture recently and it filled my heart with joy.

I remember this day being a cool, crisp, fall day. We just finished with a week of "Slogans of the 80's" at church. So decked out in our best 80's garb, we took a picture in the front yard. 

This fills my heart with joy because I can look over the past ten years we've been together and find pictures over and over like this. It's in the moment. It's random. It's typically us, unusually dressed. It's us enjoying life as it unfolds...together.

Feeling overwhelmed with gratitude to God for giving me such a perfect partner in this life. 

Give Love Away

I learned something this weekend. My eyes were opened to seeing something in a different way.

It started out with learning that my cousin is pregnant. (Sense a recurring theme? Apparently I haven't learned my lesson yet.) My mom called to let me know so I didn't find out via Facebook or any other way.) My mom, bless her heart, shared our struggles with my cousin so she was aware.  I have mixed feelings about this just because I don't want people to have a damper on their own joy because of our struggles. But at the same time, I appreciate my mom protecting my heart. 

So, almost immediately, I thought I should email my cousin. I wanted to let her know that I knew, let her know that it was OK (not that she needed permission, and not that she could do anything about it now.) But just to clear any concern from her mind.

This weekend, I received a response from my cousin thanking me for taking the initiative to say something. She said, "that the weight was taken off her shoulders" by me reaching out first.

I hope you can see what I saw in that. Not how huge it was for me to reach out. Not how selfless it was to sacrifice my own feelings for her joy.  But that the weight was taken off her shoulders. Not by me, though. I whole heartily believe God moved. I believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me in tremendous ways. Giving me discernment and empathy to recognize how she could feel. I received the nudge I needed to take a leap of faith and give love to my cousin, in a moment when giving love isn't what I wanted to do.

Give love. Such a simple concept. So hard to do sometimes.

And of course it's not about what we get in return. Though, the truth is that her email blessed me. Her sensitivity, her awareness and deep love for our family extended from the text of the email and wrapped it's arms around me like a perfect and warm hug. What a reward. What a blessing.

This is one of four examples (that I can recall), just from this last week of witnessing God working dynamically in those who give love. I hope I don't forget this lesson. And I pray those around me can feel God loving them just as strongly as I am right now. 

Miracles

Do you ever sit back and think "how does God do it". Really.

When you experience a miracle in life, it's pretty overwhelming right?

It's no secret Adam and I are dealing with fertility issues. I always know I'm human when I have that internal battle of selfishly wanting to start my own family vs my servant's heart of wanting to share in the joy others experience once they are pregnant. (Thankfully I don't have to do this on my own!)

But that glimpse of selfishness only lasts a short time. The truth is, when I witness miracles, such as pregnancy, how can I choose to keep playing the victim? Just because it isn't my miracle doesn't make it less important, magnificent, powerful...

I have a friend pregnant with her first child. A little boy!

Unfortunately, she and her husband had to have help with IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) in order to get pregnant. But the truth is, medicine only goes so far. Let's face it. Medicine can explain a lot of things, but it isn't 100% fool proof. Heck, if it were, there would be 100% of pregnancies for all who use IVF. And that percentage is lower than you would even imagine! (under 50%!) A bigger hand is, no must be involved...

So all of that is to say, I'm overwhelmed. Each time I learn of a pregnancy, have a loved one working through some fertility treatments and end up pregnant or simply even see a stranger with a baby bump... yes, it stings. I'm hopeful at some point it won't always sting. BUT just in the same breath I will praise Him. Because the truth is I don't understand. I don't know how He does it. But the miracle of that little one is certainly a beautiful thing. And how could I not fall down in awe?

Where have I been?

Holy Moly, it's been almost two months since I've blogged. Not good!!

I can blame a few things, like vacation, catching up from vacation, planning a bridal shower, bachelorette party and helping to plan/coordinate two weddings... but that's making excuses.

But I'm back. And what do I have to talk about?

Hiccups.

I like to write during my lunch hour. It gives me a mental break and an opportunity to process. But today... as I eat my ham and cheese sandwich, I have the hiccups and that is all I can think about.

If you've ever been around me when I have the hiccups, you know they aren't quiet. It's kind of like my personality - all in or all out. My whole body seems to stop for every single hiccup. My chest goes in, my ears close, my eyes shut and I have a mini (what I would call) convulsion with each hiccup. I am familiar with my body during each hiccup phase because they happen often.

How often? Well, as strange as this sounds, the answer is every time I eat bread. Not just any bread. I don't get hiccups with biscuits or crescent rolls. But the moment I eat loaf bread (or slimwiches, like I'm eating today), the hiccups start a'comin'.

It's a strange thing. Really. I mean, I can remember getting the hiccups from eating a Whopper at Burger King! Who does that?

I've often wondered if I have some sort of allergy to bread that causes the hiccups. Here is what WebMD says causes hiccups:

What causes hiccups?

A very full stomach can cause bouts of hiccups that go away on their own. A full stomach can be caused by:

• Eating too much food too quickly.
• Drinking too much alcohol.
• Swallowing too much air.
• Smoking
• A sudden change in stomach temperature, such as drinking a hot beverage and then a cold beverage.
• Emotional stress or excitement.

So, if I have an empty stomach and I'm not drinking alcohol, smoking, etc...and I still get the hiccups...maybe it's because I'm inhaling too much air.  But in the words of my friend Jordan Sparks, "How am I supposed to breathe with no air, air."  

Ah. And with that. It's time to go back to work. 

Excited and Anxious

I’m on the countdown. We’ll be on vacation in 16 days (Glory, Glory!) and I can’t wait. We’ve all been there, right? Planning, gearing up, getting excited for an upcoming vacation. Here are a few things I’m excited about:

Roadtripping, napping in the car, games with friends, good food, sunshine, peace, laughter, Jones the Boxer dog, seeing a pregnant friend (yay!), exploring part of one of my favorite states, water activities, the beach, cruising, good food, toes in the sand, God’s creation, swimsuits and suntans, sunsets, great food, reading (What?! If you know me, I rarely enjoy reading for pleasure.), fruity frozen drinks, sunrises, stamping my passport, feeling drained by the sun at the end of the day, seafood, experiencing a new country, growing my bond with my girlfriends, seeing community the way God intended it to be, GREAT FOOD, seeing my husband with his closest friends, walking the beach, feeling the warmth of the sun… the list could go on.

Obviously, I’m looking forward to a lot. I think about this and wonder, am I creating too much hype? Am I setting some subconscious and unrealistic expectations? Then I try to justify it and say, no, not really. Because a lot of my excitement revolves around quality time with friends, good food and relaxation in a warm and sunny place, far away from home.  I am pretty sure all of those things are going to be met on this trip.

What I know about myself is that I think about all of this. And I’m guessing some of my friends might be thinking about these things too. The difference is that most of them probably keep it in. The whole point of this blog was to provide an avenue for me to ‘verbally process’ my thoughts as that’s how I operate. So I’m not ashamed to use this tool to help me process my excitement.

In the midst of it all, I’ve realized I really need this vacation. I need this vacation because it’s going to force me to be disconnected. I’ll admit. I’m a bit anxious about that. I can’t tell you the last time I was 100% disconnected. But I think I really need a break from everything. Things aren’t bad. I’m truly blessed. But I need time to reconnect with God, reconnect with my hubster and close friends. And I intend on doing just that.

I’m excited about blogging about our trip, when it is over.  But in the meantime, I will be excited…and I will live in the moment through our vacation, soaking up every ounce of life…and sun. J

Bittersweet Weekend

This weekend was described by my sister-in-law as bittersweet and I couldn't agree more.

Each year, well for the past three years, I've hosted my family for a Mother's Day celebration. It consists of my parents, sister, brother-in-law and Godparents. We also had Adam's mom, step dad and two sisters over. We even had Adam's dad and his girlfriend over. This was such a special time. The weather was perfect. We indulged in wonderful food and had laughs over landscaping, cornhole, dogs and memories.

During our time of community and fellowship, my friend, Tony Rolli went to heaven. I learned in the early afternoon that Tony's MRI proved that he had no brain activity. The decision was made to remove him from ventilators and all other life supporting machines.

Isn't it interesting how you could be in one place, enjoying a beautiful day and beautiful company while someone else is saying their goodbyes to a loved one?

Bittersweet is a good description.

Tony was a believer and truly loved the Lord. He lived his life loving others with everything he had. I know that he ran to the arms of Jesus just as quickly as he could. But for those who love him, it is challenging to know that the big personality we all loved and laughed with won't be here any longer.

I'm grateful to witness God moving throughout this whole situation. Shortly after the accident that gave Tony injuries he couldn't overcome, his wife, Deb, shared that she had already given him up to the Lord. While she knows that it would be a hard road ahead, should he survive, she prayed for His will entirely. She was surrounded by love by so many people.  And in the midst of my tears while visiting and praying over Tony, she showed me a little crocodile toy that makes a burping sound...just to make me laugh. That's how selfless she was...even in such a trying moment.

I'm inspired. And I shouldn't expect anything different. Tony and Deb always were first to support, give back, seek help for others in need, etc. I love something that Deb said when my sister-in-law and I were visiting in the hospital. She said if she had life her way, she and Tony would have been hermits...having only a handful or two of friends. But Tony wouldn't have it that way. He was social and never met a stranger. She looks back on everything now and realizes that God prepared the way for this. Had she and Tony been hermits, she wouldn't have had the resounding support that she's had this past week. For that, she thanks Tony.

One thing I love about the business relationships I've created is the true friendship that crosses the line of business. Tony, Al Holdren and a handful of others have meant the world to me. They've always tried to help me succeed and have always made life just a little more enjoyable. As I was saying goodbye to Tony, the last time I saw him, he said, "I love ya!" I am brought to tears knowing that the last comment made to me was that he loved me.  That's a true testament to his great passion for his friends and family. When I shared that story with Adam, shortly after Tony's accident, Adam said, "Do you think that was God talking?"

I now know my answer is, "Yes" to that question. I know that God used Tony to help show His love for others. And Tony was always willing to be a vessel to let you know that you are loved.

I'm blessed to have known Tony and ask that you join me in praying for his family as they work through this extremely difficult time.

Tony Rolli

It's the simple things

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that make the biggest difference. Maybe it's a meal and hospitality provided by a friend, maybe it's a random, surprising and uplifting note sent to you...and maybe it's your husband taking your picture without you even knowing and telling the world how much he loves you.

I'm fortunate to say all of those great things happened to me this past week/weekend. 

You've probably heard the saying, "don't sweat the small stuff". While I agree, sweating the small stuff may leave us worried about things we can't control or frustrated by the seemingly insignificant. I'd argue, though, that the "small stuff" is what my generation, and younger generations, are missing. You see, we busy our lives with so many things that we only have time to notice the big things in life. Before long, you struggle to see God in the seemingly insignificant and are wondering where He is when you're not seeing the big miracles. 

I've come to a point in my life where the small stuff matters. Kindness, respect, taking time out of your day, listening, doing something 'just because', the 'go out of your way to show love' kind of thing. I think some of getting to this point is maturity. But I think some of it is due to observation (not judgement) of others and seeing what I don't want to be or seeing how I don't want to act. You know, we all have the friends who always have their hand out asking for something. I'm sure I've been there before. But take and take and take and eventually...it makes the giver struggle to give with a pure heart. (Or maybe that's just been me.)

I've been pondering my 1000 gifts and how/if I want to carry out counting to 1000. What I find keeps happening is when I'm not counting, I resort back to old habits of looking for the big stuff. When I do keep count, I am striving, searching and praying for the next thing, big or small, so I can take time and be thankful. 

So, I believe it's all about the small stuff. Most of us are not going to see someone walk on water, turn water into wine or even die and be resurrected. (visibly that is.)  So, I'm going to choose to see the small stuff for what they are...blessings. Each and every one of them. How blessed am I to have friends who would provide a meal for us? How blessed am I to receive a note with genuine care, concern and love for me? And how blessed am I that my husband, nearly 7 years after we married, still takes a moment to see his bride, see love and share that with the world?

Reflection on 1000 Gifts

I was reading a blog about the book I’ve been reading, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. This blog was addressing the ‘craze’ about the book and why it was on the New York Times Best Seller for months.  I love how the blogger described the impact of the book. She said,

“One Thousand Gifts is changing my life, not because gratitude is the key to salvation, but because gratefulness brings me to God’s presence every time.”

There have been some discrepancies by theologians if gratitude can help us experience our salvation to the full like the author described. Theologians are saying that we can’t earn our grace; therefore there is concern with saying we need to do something aside from our acknowledgement of our need for a Savior. Some believe that the author’s point, of finding thankfulness in every situation, is not always the best thing and not 100% scriptural. Critics say that when Jesus was on the cross, he did not express gratitude and so maybe reacting to all of life’s circumstances with thankfulness is not always the reaction we should have in order to experience salvation to the full.

The author repeatedly discusses finding gratitude in the every day, small things…like washing the dishes. She describes looking at a bubble and finding joy in that bubble. Maybe that sounds a bit extreme. I thought so too as I began reading examples like that. But as I read on, I found that it’s not about the bubble. It’s about changing perspective. It’s not about me and my desire (or lack thereof) to do the dishes. It’s about being grateful for a home and for dirty dishes as they mean we’ve had food on our table.  It’s about being grateful for running water, something many in this world don’t have.

I think what the author is trying to communicate is that the moment we turn our eyes away from ourselves, we see God. We see all of the ways He’s blessed us. We are open to the world around us and can be in a state of gratitude rather than the selfishness and insecurities that plague us all.

Going back to that quote, “…gratefulness brings me to God’s presence every time.”

I find myself battling this every day. But the moment I do, I find my days filled with more joy, open to more of God’s blessings and ready and willing to serve when the time is right. One of our church pastors said this weekend, “Sometimes God uses our life circumstances for us to help save/rescue others.” It reiterates to me that through that tough time, we can turn toward God, being grateful that He’s using us and helping us grow. But it doesn’t end there. Then we can pray for opportunities to share our story, our challenges or obstacles in life and how He’s helped us to overcome.

Just as I write this, I am overwhelmed with the blessing of being used in a way to share His redemptive story. 

Gifts: 36 - 50

I haven't typed my gifts for the last three days (including today)! But I've been keeping a list...so let's dig in!

Gifts 36 - 40
36. The Grammy's. They were quite entertaining. Especially Bruno Mars!
37. Friends who have perspectives in life that I don't have and who help me learn and grow.
38. Real Italian spaghetti and meatballs
39. The warmth and relaxation of a shower
40. My husband's gift of connecting with kids/youth. He's so gifted and it's a joy to witness it.

Gifts 41 - 45
41. Meeting pastors at other churches and trying to bridge the gap with the Church.
42. "The only thing we all have the same is time. What distinguishes us is what we do with it." - quote I heard at the Christian Ministries annual dinner.
43. Technologically advanced individuals who help fix problems when I'd have no idea where to start.
44. The beauty of a snowflake.
45. Praising God to worship music with my husband in the car. Love the connection He gives us.

Gifts 46 - 50
46. BOGO at Qdoba.
47. The love that people exude and extend to others on Valentine's Day.
48. Laura Gill's encouragement to continue working out.
49. Jill Cooper's beauty. It's so wonderful to see her physical beauty, but that her soul is even more beautiful is what makes me thankful.
50. Discernment

Gifts: 26-35

I'm sitting on my couch on a Saturday with no evening plans and waiting for Adam to wake up from a nap. I had both a good and frustrating morning and have found some difficulty in pushing through with this day's thanksgivings. It's evident when things get harder, it is easier to choose sorrow, pity, etc. I love this excerpt from "One Thousand Gifts"

"This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on and have faith in His Messenger]" John 6:29 AMP -That is my daily work, the work God asks of me? To trust. And trust is that: work.

The work of trusting love. Intentional and focused. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with worry than to exercise discipline... Are stress and worry evidences of a soul too lazy, too undisciplined, to keep fixed on God. To stay in love."

Ah. I believe and know that my faithfulness to God is dependent upon me and no other. But this discipline to trust. That's hard. Undisciplined. Ouch. I needed that. I can't blame my lack of trust on anyone but myself. And the exercise of that discipline was used today. Let's say I have some work to do still...

Onto my gifts of gratitude.

26 - 30
26. A job where I am needed and also appreciated
27. The differences between others and myself. (while sometimes hard, I am reminded of the beauty of creation)
28. A moment, in the middle of my work day, for solitude and silence
29. Sushi Mmmmmm
30. The ability to exercise - health and an able body.

31 - 35
31. Sweaters that make my dogs look ridiculously adorable!
32. The city of Muncie's generosity to support the Muncie Mission's Walk a Mile in My Shoes (nearly 1000 walkers!)
33. The means where I can get my hair done and have a little pampering.
34. The challenging people in my life. (once again, this is tough, but I know God is calling me to love deeper than I think I can. Those challenging people in my life give me opportunities to love more deeply.)
35. The grace and love showered on my friend when she found out she wasn't pregnant today. Praise Him for providing her with the exact husband she needs to get through challenging times.

Gifts: 16-25

Naming gifts and blessings shouldn't be too hard, right?

It's not, really. But it is getting harder to make it a priority to think about. The first two days, I was excited about my goal of 1,000 gifts. But, the newness has now worn off (after just two days? Yes.).

What do they say about habits? It takes doing something for 30 days for it to become a habit? Oh boy... Thankfully, I have this blog as a constant reminder of my commitment to identifying 1,000 gifts. :)

16 - 20

16. Homemade pizza. Mmmmmm!! (Thanks Aly!)
17. Friends who are willing to have honest and open conversation.
18. A fun work training I had yesterday - love getting to know other people who work for the bank, but with whom I rarely work.
19. The knowledge about opportunities to help friends save a little money.
20. One of my best friends who is getting married.

21 - 25

21. An evening when neither Adam nor I have any meetings or requirements after work - No Plans Tonight!!
22. Starting the day off in prayer with the staff at the Muncie Mission. (What a blessing they are!)
23. Sharpie Pens - Love the colors, love how they write...
24. My church family who has responded wonderfully and will represent 40 of the over 900 walkers in the Walk a Mile in My Shoes.
25. My sister-in-law Michelle. She's being such a blessing to the people in her church family and I'm grateful that she's found a place to flourish and grow in community with Christ and others.

Gifts: 11-15

It's funny how when you're looking for the blessings (big and small) in your life how certain ones are recurring. I'm sure there will be frequent blessings in relation to all the love surrounding me (God, Family, Pups, Friends) but I will try to remain specific and try to prevent duplication. I can't remember what I did a week ago let alone trying to remember if I acknowledged something at 73 or 638.

I digress.

11 through 15...here you go:

11. The daily kiss goodbye when my husband leaves for work.
12. When you're at a four-way stop with other two other cars and all three of you are signaling to each other to go ahead. It's nice that no one was in a rush enough that they couldn't let someone go ahead of them.
13. Grooveshark - for my days when I need kick-butt music and for my days when I need soothing music.
14. Motivation to workout.
15. My health - I'm constantly reminded by the fragility of our immune systems and the illnesses all around. I'm thankful to be feeling well.

The Start of 1,000

As you are aware, I'm reading a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

So far it's an extremely challenging, convicting, inspiring and motivational book. My friend, with whom I'm reading this book, and I decided it was time to start our list of 1,000 gifts. One thousand seems overwhelming...not going to lie. BUT it's an important process, especially if we're going to put this book into practice in our lives.

So, we're starting with 35 for the week. Looking for at least five blessings, reasons to be thankful, etc per day.
Mine will be on this blog.
(This is not a disclaimer, but if you read this book you will find that the writer seeks all blessings...big or small. Therefore, if we are noticing the small, maybe everyday blessings in our life, then we will have an attitude to gratefulness toward God and the people around us. We will be more aware of the miracles around us, thus helping us not to miss the big things God's doing. That heart of thankfulness helps us to keep life in the appropriate perspective. That thankfulness helps us to find joy in life as we notice all the good surrounding us.)

So let's start this list of 1,000 Gifts:

1. Sunday naps
2. Husband's hands running through my hair
3. Warm chocolate chip cookies
4. Powerful worship music
5. A car that gets me from point A to point B.

That was my list from yesterday. Monday's list is below:

6. Blond Roast from Starbucks with Peppermint Mocha creamer
7. The overwhelming adorableness (that's a word, right?) of Beans snuggled in his crate on a pillow my sister-in-law made him.
8. A boss who is kind, loving, and fun to be around.
9. A coworker who took the courage to ask us about refinancing our mortgage. In doing so, we're saving $103,000 over the life of our loan and cutting 10 years off our mortgage.
10. Doctors who are near my parents house so when I have an appointment, my parents can meet me for dinner.

Sleeping in Separate Beds

So, I always found it odd when I heard of married couples (at a variety of ages) who sleep in separate beds. I saw on Kourtney & Kim take New York (Don't Judge...I was watching a little as I was flipping through during a sick day this week.) that Kourtney and her boyfriend and baby daddy, Scott, don't sleep in the same bed. I've had conversations before with a coworker who does not sleep in the same bed as her husband.

Is this more common than I thought? Surely, I have my own opinions on that. Don't worry, now's not the time that I'll share those.

This week, though, I was very sick. I haven't been that sick in ...well, I can't remember. I couldn't keep an ounce of food or liquid down for 24 hours. I had a tight stomach for 3 days. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

The first (and worse) night of illness Adam said, "I'm going to sleep in the guest room tonight. You need some good rest." Initially I thought, "Hm. I don't know that it's necessary." But I wasn't in much into disagreeing that evening. Let me tell you, I had an AMAZING night of sleep! The next night came around and Adam and I mutually agreed it would be best for him to sleep in the guest bedroom one more night.

My intention was two fold: 1 - I didn't want him to get sick. This stuff was not fun and I really wanted him to remain healthy. Being so close in proximity felt risky. 2 - I wanted to experience that AMAZING sleep again!  Day two was just as good as the first night.

So we've decided to from now on to sleep in separate beds. It's worth it. The sleep we get on our own is so much better than when we sleep together.

I'M KIDDING!!!

Last night, Adam rejoined Beans and I in our normal bed and I have to say...it's good to have him back. I still slept wonderfully...and I have his nearness. Have you ever noticed the joy that the nearness brings? I missed him while he was in 'the other bed'. So it is with that I will say that I hope you and your spouse sleep together. And I mean that literally. :) There is a bond, a sense of peace, security and pure joy that one can experience by having the love of their life less than a foot away. Love it!

One Thousand Gifts

I am starting a a new book with a friend who also happens to be struggling with infertility. I am pretty excited about it. My friend has an incredible faith. She is dependent upon the Lord and it excites me that we'll have an opportunity to learn, process, grow and become grateful together.  The book is called One Thousand Gifts.

It is interesting how we've reached this point in life. You see this friend of my mine (with whom I'm reading the book) was an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, if you will, while in college. She and I didn't directly hang out together and really did not have what I would call a friendship. She was always kind and friendly but time did now allow for our friendship to blossom.

Fast forward eight years...

Her mom knows my mother in law. Ironically they shared with each other about their children both having difficulty conceiving. My mother in law shared that we may want to talk with this other couple because they have started the fertility treatments and we had not yet.

We arranged for dinner...well just for the ladies. She and I met, shared feelings, how those feelings relate to our faith, and the difficulty of all things associated with infertility. I must say, I was nervous meeting for the first time. I want things to go perfectly. I don't want to cross any boundaries of comfort and I certainly don't want to make the struggle of infertility all about me.

We met and things clicked. Even looking back at that first meeting and subsequent meetings I am still amazed at God's plan. Here we are...two individuals whose paths wouldn't normally cross. Two individuals who while dealing with one of the most difficult things in life also want to glorify God throughout it all.

This (what I would certainly now call a) friend and I met last week to discuss the first two chapters of this book. I am so grateful she's willing to share, ask questions and listen. I found quickly we have different ways of processing the information, but think that's so healthy! We will be challenging each other to look at this book from different perspectives.

But what I love most is the story. God introduced us to each other almost 10 years ago. But years later, after time, growth, questioning, seeking, praying and hoping...he has led us to each other to love, comfort and experience True Community together. God intertwined our lives for years to lead us to this point.

This book is all about gratitude and living the full life of Thanksgiving. As I look at my own struggle with infertility, I could choose to question God, wonder why us, ask if he is good, ...the list could go on for days.  But what I am learning is the joy in the struggle. Honestly - I would not be at this point of growing deeper with a long time acquaintance if it weren't for infertility. God planned this story.  He gave us both this journey to walk. He gave us both the opportunity to grow and gave us both the courage to be vulnerable.

So it is with thanksgiving that I write this post. I am thankful for the place where God has led me. I praise him for my friend. And I look forward to sharing much more with you about this incredible book.

A Deadly Combination

First Day of my period + PMS/Cramps + Six friends announcing their pregnancy in the last 3 weeks = a deadly combination.

Isn't it insane how our minds/emotions can let us downward spiral into a sea of sorrows and pity?

That's the power of the devil. 

But I know a greater power. One that helped me overcome the sorrow and pity I began to allow myself feel today. God is good. He is obviously helping me grow. I am grateful for that. I can only pray I continue to know and recognize His presence as He's trying to help me.