Simply Obey

It's been an interesting few months. I have witnessed some joys and truly God's miracles with the happenings of my family and friends. I've shared in some sorrow, loss and pain with others. I feel that I am at an amazing place right now. Yes, the plan I had for my life isn't playing out like I had anticipated, but I'm learning along the way that it was never really my plan to make in the first place.

There has been a song I've listened to every work day for the past three months. You may think I'm exaggerating by saying that, but it's true. It started out being a song that had a sweet melody and now has morphed into my daily prayer. 

It's Laura Story's "Grace". It starts out by saying:

"My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.
I see the things you do through me as great things I have done.
And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me
And hold me as my Father and mold me as my Maker."

This could not be more true of this journey. I have a personality that likes knowing I've done the right things. I like recognition for the hard work I put into life, my career, relationships, etc. So pridefully, I believe I've accomplished the great things because of my own doing. I am constantly reminded that I'm made after my Creator. I am a reflection of Him. He enabled this body, with these special gifts. How silly to believe they are my own.

As I've planned my life, He is constantly gently breaking me. Allowing me to experiences consequences to my actions, teaching me how to rely on Him more. The second verse is the reason for continued pursuit of Him.

"At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged,
Knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job.
For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You.
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on."

It is difficult, when overwhelmed by His power, His grace and His love, to feel like I'm even worthy of being loved by Him. And I know I'm continually failing at glorifying him, loving him and obeying him like I want to. My feelings on that are best described by a message Josh gave once where he quoted an author (the name is escaping me) who said. "God I don't love you. I don't even want to love you. But I want to want to love you."  I want to be more obedient and I want to to want to give Him more of my focus.

The last verse has been my prayer, but also where I have found peace. It says:

"As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means.
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary.

So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You

By giving up my life to You, for all that You've given to me."

I have found it to be very difficult to remain in constant growth in my faith. There always is doubt, always a fear, always something that makes faith so challenging. So when I heard the third line, my eyes were opened to my purpose of seeking to be obedient. He's calling me to simply obey Him. 

With that, I'll leave you with the chorus. The chorus is the reminder and hope of His promise. I hope it can provide peace to you as it has for me.

"I ask you: 'how many times will you pick me up
When I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory,

How far will forgiveness abound?"
And You answer: 'My child, I love you.

And as long as you're seeking My face,

You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace.'"

Welcome Back

Once again, I've slacked on my blogging. No excuses...just not making time. It's always a battle because I want to blog because it is therapeutic and helpful for my sanity. But I've spent more time in relationship with others, growing closer with my husband and doing some spring cleaning on our home.

I've never really been a person who enjoys yard work. The truth is, I'm not very patient when it comes to that and don't find the satisfaction of accomplishment so many others receive. But what I do have is determination for something better than the past.

We have lived in our home for (wowzers) 6 years this year. I can't believe it. We haven't done much more than painting, changed a light fixture here or there and maintained what was already there. This year, we've purchased new white wood blinds, jump started our outdoor winter yard clean up and even mowed once already!

I'm determined to have a more curb appealing yard this year. This means getting sweatier and dirtier than normal. I don't mind that as much as I mind the time it takes to see progress. Seriously, who has this kind of patience?

Well, not me; I'm learning, though. So it is with that determination, I'm 'publicly' announcing my goals for our yard this year:

1. Create new flower beds for the front of our house where we had tons of landscaping removed. 
2. Fill in the bare spots with grass seed and hopefully growth of grass
3. Remove the wood thing at the edge of our property outlining a square of randomly landscaped area.
4. Remove the dead evergreen tree in the field
5. Cut back the evergreen looking bush by our shed
6. Mulch around our shed (and the rest of the flower beds)
7. Consider what landscaping works best around our trees (mulch? ground cover?)
8. Fill the sink hole in our front yard
9. Keep up with the weeds in our flower beds
10. Enjoy the blooming plants that the previous owners planted with their majorly green thumbs, praying I don't kill them. 

Welcome back to blogging and to a commitment of a prettier yard in 2013!

Saying Goodbye

Adam got a text message last week that his great Aunt Maxine was in the hospital. It turns out, at age 92, your heart gets tired and starts slowing down. The first evening in the hospital, Aunt Mac went into cardiac arrest, but they revived her.

So we had the opportunity to visit her in the hospital. I must say, I was amazed that Aunt Mac was her usual, ornery self! Between talking about her "Two-bit whore" red nail polish, how her sierra mist tasted like poop, or how when she died for a moment, she didn't see the Lord...maybe she was looking left and he was to the right... we were able to laugh, smile and hug.

Aunt Mac had a knack for off-colored humor. I loved how she would tell jokes. What I loved most, though, was her face as she laughed. She always raised an eye brow with her smile that made her face look like she was saying "Are you kidding me???" It made me smile each time.

Last Friday night (really Saturday morning) around 1am, Aunt Mac took the oxygen tube out of her nose, placed it above her head, took two breaths and passed away.

I have been thinking about that moment now for about three days. Isn't it amazing how someone knows that it's time? I think "What was she thinking pulling the tube out of her nose knowing her following breaths would be few?" "Was she scared?" "Did she have peace?" "Did she know her last breath was her last breath?"

I keep finding that I don't have and probably won't have answers to those questions. I have to find peace that Aunt Mac died with her daughter and nephew by her side. She died without pain, but very peacefully.

Where I have found joy, though, is that Aunt Mac had time to say goodbye. She really died the first evening in the hospital. But I think God knew that some of the family needed closure.

What I was not prepared for was when Adam and I were saying goodbye when we were visiting the second night. Adam was on one side of the bed, I on the other. I was rubbing her hand as we were saying how much we loved her and that we hoped she'd get some rest. She grabbed my wrist, grabbed Adam's wrist and pulled us close to her. She looked at Adam, looked at me, then looked back at Adam and said, "I love you both so very much."

Cue the tears. Seven simple words that mark a moment I will never forget. I have never in my life heard someone say that they loved me with more conviction and intention than Aunt Mac that night. Truthfully, it was like God had my heart cupped in his hands and provided the greatest overwhelming feeling I've ever felt.

I am so grateful to know Aunt Mac...to be impacted by her passion for life....to be surrounded by her love. I pray that I can somehow capture that feeling, that love, that conviction and translate it into action with the remaining time I have. I would love for God to use me in a way that smothered another human's life with love and joy the way Aunt Mac did for me last week.

We'll miss you Aunt Maxine!

Sacrifice

I have participated in Lent before but this year it will be different. In the past I gave up things I knew I could live without. They were things that may cause me to miss it a little but not enough to make me think too hard about it.

This year, though, I've gone all in. I'm giving up sweets. This includes the ice cream I love multiple nights a week. It includes a little snack size kit kat I can pull out of my desk drawer. It even includes cake a baby showers or desserts with friends.

For me... this is a HUGE sacrifice. It seems dumb that this is such a big deal. I mean, there are many things in this life that should be more important. And truthfully those things are probably more important but are not things I can or should cut out of my life, even on a temporary basis. (Like God, my husband, my dogs, my job and family...)

So it has been decided that for 40 days, I will not be eating sweets.

Today is day one. Sadly, all that has crossed my mind has been the chocolate in my drawer at work, how ice cream tonight sounds really good and how the only things that look appealing on Pinterest are the desserts. I'm sure the first few days are the hardest... then it becomes a habit or a new normal.  At least that is my hope.  That the thought of something sweet every 20 minutes maybe grows to only once or twice a day.

I don't want to completely lose the thought though because the truth is, it is about sacrifice. It's about discipline and choosing to replace the desire with something pure and holy. So needless to say I've prayed a lot today. That can never be a bad thing.

Here's to the next 40 days of cravings sweets and prayer for strength, presence and intimacy with the Holy Spirit.

It's a Miracle

I don't read. Ok, I do, but I don't love it. I read the Bible because I love God a lot. But I don't like reading. Last year I had the opportunity to read a book and study it together with a friend. We read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

I loved the message of the book, but struggled with the writing style of the author. Regardless, I finished the book. That's an accomplishment for me considering reading is not how I like to spend my time.

So it is a miracle that I'm reading two books right now.  I'm currently reading Love Does, by Bob Goff. and Deep and Wide by Andy Stanley.

I have a note on my iPhone called "Quotes". I love a good quote that reminds me how I want to live my life. In Love Does, I found a quote that is such a good reminder. It says,

I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I'm more afraid of succeeding at things that don't matter.

I'm the type of person who fears failure. I know I will fail, but I always strive to do the right thing...preventing failure. This quote does two things for me. It reminds me that I still have room to grow. I can easily still focus on the failure rather than focusing on the things in life that are more important.

The other thing this quote reminds me is that everything has a purpose. Are you doing what you should be doing? Are you the best you can be?

I never want to be in a position where I have success in things that don't matter. I want to live my life with purpose and to glorify my Maker.

Late to the Game

Growing up, I preferred listening to 'Hot 96 dot 3". This was the station for rap, pop hits and all things 90's. This is where I found a love for Ja Rule, Salt-N-Pepa, J.Lo, Dr. Dre, Busta Rhymes, the list goes on. Perhaps it was attending a very culturally diverse high school that drove me to love music that my parents didn't listen to. (I'll admit, I loved the Beach Boys, Richard Marx and everything else that was on 97.1, at the time, hits of the 70's, 80's and today.) But my preferences were the rough, 'gangsta' stuff, if you will.

One thing I did not listen to, with the exception of Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith, was Christian music. At my school and with my friends, that was not the hip thing.  Also, I didn't love the sounds of DC Talk, Audio Adrenaline, and all the other 90's bands at the time.

So it's no surprise I'm probably late to the game when it comes to Christian music. I probably have an affinity with female singers who sing wonderful ballads, or melodic tunes that lift up my spirits. I am maybe a typical 90's teenage girl who made the transition from rap to pop and still love the cheesy songs.

Regardless, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I love songs like "The Prayer" by Josh Groban and Celine Dion. BTW, Celine was a staple in my upbringing. (Thank you Clueless, "All By Myself" and Titanic). My guilty pleasure remains with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. My heart still melts with a good Michael Bolton song. So music connoisseur, I am not.

For the last couple of years, I have really been into Natalie Grant. Some say obsessed because I follow her on Instagram and I tweeted her a bunch before she came to Muncie. But the truth is I am encouraged by her, what she posts, how she lives her life; and I want to surround myself with people like that.

There is a song that Natalie Grant sings called "Perfect People". This has resonated with me for the last year.

The lyrics are:
Never let Him see you when you're breaking
And never let Him see you when you fall
That's how we live
And that's how we try.

Tell the world you've got it all together
And never let Him see what's underneath
We cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while.

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God.

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again, no.


There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God.

Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see love
And let grace be enough.

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God.

I think I connect with this song because the description is what I've dealt with nearly my entire relationship with God. I've wanted to appear that I have it all together. I think that's a normal coping mechanism when we are constantly told by society that we're just not good enough.

But more importantly, we (attempt to) hide "it" from the One being who can ease all the worries, calm our hearts and help us feel loved more than anything else. We hide who we are from God. We believe we can't approach him until it's all sorted out, until our life is perfect. (BTW, we'll never get there.) We beat ourselves down because we aren't as beautiful, don't dress as nicely, can't afford this,  aren't at this place of life yet, ....whatever it is you tell yourself.

I love this song because at the end of the bridge, it's a reminder that grace is enough. We keep trying to manage, we keep trying to prove that we can be perfect when we never really get there. And because we never get there...we never fully allow Him to be enough. Despite my failures...and there will be more in the future, I'm sure... God sees me as perfect as I need to be. When I am beating myself down, He reminds me that I am enough.

I am empowered to share this message because I know we can't do it on our own. Too often we try. Too often we put conditions around how and when we can approach Him. Let me tell you, I tried that. It doesn't work. I am empowered to share this message because sometimes the message that is louder is how much of a mess we are and that we need Him. I don't disagree with that. We constantly compromise who we were meant to be.  But I believe we serve a God who loves deeply. He loves us so much. And that true love is also a message of hope. It's a message that despite the ugliness, He hasn't run out of grace. 

See, there are two types of people it seems. People who need knocked off their high horse and shown that they need a God. And there are people who need reminded that the ugly is covered by His blood. Sometimes we flow back and forth between categories, but the important thing is that we remember to "let grace be enough".